Wedding Hits and Misses: A Couple of my Favorite Shots

I have no misses on this post, only a couple of my favorite photos from the day.

The gentlemen, looking like Reservoir Dogs...


And Dude and I in the park at Tudor City...

F*ck You, Miss California

I don't watch the Miss USA pageant, nor do I read or particularly like Perez Hilton, but apparently Miss California was asked by Perez if other states should follow Vermont in legalizing same sex marriages. Here was her response:

Well I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose between same sex marriage or opposite marriage, and you know what? In my country, in my family, I think I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised and that's how I think that it should be between a man and a woman.

Miss Prejean is now saying that her answer cost her the crown. She defended herself to Matt Lauer, saying that she lost "because I had spoken from my heart, from my beliefs, and for my God." Come on, America! She was just being honest! She goes on...

It's not about being politically correct, it's about being biblically correct.

I don't have the video at my disposal so I can link to it, but she says "biblically" like you think she would - condescendingly and holier than thou.

Okay lady. I understand that everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, that's our right as Americans, as human beings, and it's unfortunate if your opinion involves bigotry, but you still have the right to it.

You didn't win the crown because you didn't answer the question. You gave an answer involving your opinion and your values and YOUR (and the Bible's) definition of marriage. That wasn't the question. The question was whether or not you thought other states should follow Vermont's lead. Now, if you had said something along the lines of "We live in a democracy and the will of the people will prevail," now THAT would have answered the question AND honest at the same time. The uproar over your answer is not because of your beliefs. (Okay, maybe it is.) It is because in your less than 30 second display of brilliance you implied the following:

• That being gay and wanting same-sex marriage is a choice (I understand that she may have meant the choice was same-sex or heterosexual marriage, but uh, it's not, it's only a choice in a handful of states, so she's wrong anyway.)
• That the alienated demographic you just insulted (and their supporters) would excuse your answer and not cry out in anger because you said "no offense to anybody" - it doesn't work that way sister
• That the laws of the country should fundamentally reflect how you were raised and what you and your parents and your family believe
• That Vermont's law (and Iowa's and Connecticut's and Massachusett's) and its residents who voted for it are wrong

And by the way, what the fuck is "opposite marriage"?

If you really want to go all biblical on everybody, since everyone who is opposed to same-sex marriage loves to quote Leviticus, let me recount some other Leviticus "abominations":

• Eating shrimp and lobster (11:10)
• Shaving (19:27)
• Bunnies (11:6)
• Working on Saturday (19:30)
• Eating pork (11:7)

As a good friend of mine has said, "Quote one, quote them all, that's just common sense."

Miss California, I appreciate that you were honest in your answer. I am so tired of beauty queens talking fluff. But just because you're honest doesn't mean you are right or excused. You were raised in a household where marriage is defined as heterosexual - I get that. But there are very many people in the world who were raised in a household where they are taught that all colored people are criminals, that colored people and white people shouldn't marry, the list of bigotry goes on. And as a contender for Miss America, you were in the running to be a representative of our country. I, for one, am infinitely glad that you didn't win. Of course if I read your interview with Matt Lauer correctly, now you think that not winning means God has another purpose for you, and apparently that's to go public with your bigoted beliefs under the ruse of "speaking from the heart."

Thanks for setting the country back a few decades.

By the way, your grammar is atrocious.

Ugh.

What's worse than wedding budgeting?

Life budgeting. Especially when combining two separate sets of finances for the first time.

That's My Governor!

Governor Paterson introduced a bill to legalize same-sex marriages.

Full story here.

Wedding Hits and Misses: The Cake(s)!

HIT:

For a number of reasons, we opted for cupcakes over the traditional wedding cake. First, because I like variety, but mostly because my venue tried to charge me $3 a head to cut and plate a cake, a fee that was waived if I brought in cupcakes. Decision made.

We went with my favorite cupcake place in the city, Sugar Sweet Sunshine, and they were great. I worked with Deb entirely via email and phone, and she was so responsive and helpful. The cupcakes were $1.50 each, which is nothing compared to the cake estimates I was getting elsewhere. We also got a cupcake tree, I thought about making one at first but I just decided I couldn't deal with that much DIY. We ordered 5 flavors - pistachio (my favorite!), red velvet, yellow cake with chocolate icing, yellow cake with buttercream icing, and chocolate cake with chocolate almond icing. Sugar Sweet Sunshine handled delivery, decoration of the tree, and setup.



Having cupcakes also meant that we did not have to do any cake cutting, which was an added bonus. Admittedly I thought about having a cake cutting just so Dude and I could have a cake fight, but when I decided to get my hair and makeup done, I certainly didn't want him messing that up with icing. Fake eyelashes smeared with cake? Not good.

MISS:

Because of the chaos of the night I did not have a cupcake. I didn't realize this until the day after brunch. I have to say, I almost cried.

Wedding Bouquet Alternative, the Decision, With a Little Complaining Thrown In

After the peacock feather fan non-decision I realized I was on a roll. I realized it wasn't the fan that my mother disliked, it was the the fact that it had feathers.

So I asked my cousin in the Philippines to pick up some beige fans for the bridesmaids, and I bought a pink one from Lands Faraway.

Here they are:



Truth be told, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have had the fans. Everyone would have just walked down the aisle carrying nothing. We hardly even used them! I left my fan on the altar and after the ceremony my mom took everything that was on the altar. My bridesmaid asked me if I wanted her to go get my mom so we could have the fans, and my response was "Why?" I didn't particularly want to have photos with them, and trying to get my mom would have been more trouble than it was worth.

What a silly tradition.

Apparently here is the origin:

The bridal bouquet had its earliest beginnings as a bunch of fragrant herbs who "job" it was to discourage evil spirits from getting close to the bride. It started not as a bouquet, but, with Greeks and Romans, as a garland of fresh herbs which the bride wore in her hair. In Victorian times, the flowers in a bride's bouquet carried messages, because each flower had its own special meaning.

Now, if you like flowers at your wedding and think they are pretty then I am not judging your decision, but after all the hassle, I should have really just said, why do I have to carry anything down the aisle?

Found on the Web: Free 60 Day Pass to BJ's Wholesale

If you are making more than 10 or 15 out of town bags, I highly recommend buying your supplies at a wholesale club. Dude and I made 44 bags and spent less than $200 at BJ's wholesale for all of it.

Right now, you can get a free 60 day pass to BJ's wholesale, provided you activate it by July.

For our out of town bags, we bought the following from BJ's:

• gift bags


• bottles of water


• granola bars


• mini assorted chocolates (Snickers, Milky Way, etc.)


• rice krispy treats

We added in a letter with a couple of maps for guests, and for out of town bridal party we included the weekend schedule. We also included cookies and cream polvoron, a dairy candy from the Philippines that my dad brought.

Wedding Hits and Misses: The Photographer

HIT:

I love love love my photographer, Mariano Delgado. He was so laid back and easygoing, and wasn't up in everyone's face. I hate photographers like that. I barely noticed him the whole evening, and yet he captured so many great moments.

I personally do not like artsy photos. Neither Dude nor I look particularly good in them, we always end up looking awkward and uncomfortable. We are more inclined to smiling and making faces.

I didn't give Mariano any direction or list of photos, though I did hand him a tentative schedule for the day just so we didn't fall behind. I said I just want the feeling of the day captured, and I wanted New York City. As in, I want proof decades from now that at one point in my life I was cool and lived in Manhattan.

Here are a few highlights.







MISS:

I really, really should have given Mariano a list of photos I wanted. I really wanted a photo of the groomsmen in a pyramid and me on top, but I completely forgot and I'm so bummed we didn't do it.

I also wish I had a second photographer for an hour in the beginning, because I have a ton of photos of myself and the ladies getting ready, but none of the guys.

On Weight Loss

I lost quite a bit of weight prior to the wedding, though I should really caveat this and say that I did not lose weight BECAUSE of the wedding. Rather, I lost weight and being skinnier at the wedding was a fringe benefit. I realized last summer that I had let myself go a little bit and cringed whenever I saw pictures of myself, and really, I am too young to be feeling that way. I'm also far too cheap to buy myself new clothes (smaller or bigger) so I had to do something.

I definitely don't advocate losing weight "for your wedding." Really, there is already so much stress on people who are getting married, that adding food depravity in there is just horrible. If you are going to lose weight, do it because you want to, and in a healthy manner, and not because you have to fit into a dress. Buy a dress that already fits you.

I did it, I don't know how much weight I lost because I don't trust scales, but my clothes are a lot looser and people at work definitely commented - considering they see me every day, that was big. So I decided to share how I did it.

Note: This post is about how I personally got myself on some kind of fitness/weight loss plan. I am not an expert and what works for me might not work for you.

I didn't really do a whole lot different. I didn't join Weight Watchers, I didn't go on Jenny Craig for a month like someone said I should ("Because it's easy!"), and I didn't crash diet. I didn't buy Lean Cuisines. I did try the one hundred push up challenge but I stopped after 3 weeks because I think I was doing them wrong and my shoulder hurt. I also didn't want to be on any kind of plan where I couldn't have something. I know myself, and if I can't have something I will want it more. I also don't think that depriving yourself of treats is particularly healthy, physically or emotionally.

The only thing that worked for me was keeping a food diary.

This was absolutely necessary for me, because prior to keeping the diary, I was already dancing 4-6 hours a week. That's a lot! And yet somehow I was still chubby. So I went online and surveyed a few sites and determined I needed to stick to about X calories per day. The weight loss was probably half a pound per week, which was very comfortable, I rarely felt hungry. A lot of sites say that 1 pound a week is good, but the caloric intake for that amount of weight loss was just too small for me.

Let me tell you, keeping a food diary is the most depressing thing. It forces you to be honest. Every little thing has to go in there, from "just a couple" of m&ms, to really estimating your meals (there is no way that serving of spaghetti is only 500 calories!), to the little bit of sugar I put in my coffee. It's tedious and it's a pain and some days it's so depressing when you're hungry at 6pm but you've already eaten your caloric maximum for the day. It also doesn't have to be complicated - just a small notebook would suffice. Or, in my case, Google Calendar, where I can see exactly the days I stuck to it and the days I cheated.

Oh yeah - plan for a cheat day every week. Keep yourself sane, you can't be perfect all the time! For me, I needed to have a weekend day to have brunch and maybe a cheeseburger for dinner and not feel bad about it.

I'd also like to say, that I kept this food diary for a good 3 months before I noticed any results. If some plans say you can see results in a few weeks, it's a lie - well, at least for me.

So there you have it. Simple, but not easy.

Yay Vermont!!!

Same sex marriage legalized in Vermont, more details here.

I think that, almost more than the news itself, I really love looking at photos of people crying in joy.

The winds of change are blowing!! Can you feel it?! And for those who are opposed, I certainly hope you are feeling behind.

Adventures in Name Changing, Part 2

The day after the wedding, my aunt came up to me and said, "Hi Mrs. DudesLastName!" To my surprise, it annoyed me. Not so much because she referred to me as my new last name, but because I have never seen this powerful, successful woman more happy as when her niece got married. What exactly does that say, that to be successful all one has to do is get married? But I digress...

When changing your name, there is this weird transition period that nobody has ever told me about, that I never see in the boards or comments about people changing their names. There is this weird month where you are neither your maiden name nor your new name.

Three days after the wedding, I had to fill out all this paperwork to get Dude on my insurance. Dude's insurance is good, but mine is way better and a lot cheaper. Simple, right?

Wrong!

First, there is a change in status form that needs to be filled out within 30 days of the change in status. It asks you for your current name and your new name, and asks if you want your status updated on all company forms. And then below it says "Your name must match your social security card."

Well, I haven't changed my social security card yet, and I can't because it takes up to 3 weeks to get the marriage certificate. Plus, if the social security office decides to keep the certificate, I would have to order more copies of the certificate, which could take up to another 3 weeks to get. What's the problem with that? There is no way I could change my name within the 30 day change in status period!

So after a bunch of back and forth emails with HR, I fill out the change in status form with my maiden name, just so Dude can be added to my insurance. We'll get a whole new set of cards and stuff. When I do change my name, I have to fill out the same form AGAIN and we'll get ANOTHER set of new cards, reflecting my new name.

Lesson: be prepared. This is a huge pain in the ass.

A Gripe About Budget Wedding Tips

I read this how to cut wedding costs guide today, a little late for me obviously, but I wanted to get a feel for where our wedding budget went. For the most part this article is pretty spot on with what we did, except I have beef with this part:

No matter how tight your budget, do not have a cash bar. A wine-only bar's thriftiness is just as obvious.

Do not have a cash bar? Agreed, absolutely. That second sentence about the thriftiness of a wine-only bar? Complete and total crap. The people who will notice the "thriftiness" of a wine-only bar are assholes. Yeah, I said it. They are guests at a wedding, to celebrate a couple's love, and that couple (and/or other members of their family) paid money to have them be there, and wine will get them just as drunk and happy as a full open bar. To those people: bring a flask and hold your tongue.

Share this story: Bay Area mom faces deportation

Yanked from Two Chicks Nest.

If she is deported, Tan will be separated from her partner Jay Mercado, who is a naturalized citizen. For straight couples, there wouldn't be a similar problem because a citizen can sponsor a spouse for residency. But under the federal Defense of Marriage Act, this right doesn't exist for an estimated 37,000 same-sex couples where one partner is a noncitizen.

Read more here.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "Gee, Another One Bites the Dust, you are already married and you're straight, why don't you just post the pretty pictures from your wedding and stay out of such things?"

Well, I am a woman of color, and a naturalized American citizen. I am deeply aware of the immigrant experience, of building a life in a new country that can be taken away from you. Despite whatever misguided notions there are in this country, not every immigrant is here illegally. I can't even imagine what this couple is going through, who have been together for 23 years with 12 year old twins. It was also not that long ago that the rights I have were granted to people like me.

And, most of all, this is a human issue. Straight or gay, colored or white. Nobody benefits from separating loving families.

Thank You Iowa!!!

Iowa Court says gay marriage ban is unconstitutional!

Adventures in Name Changing

So in case I left any of you hanging, I did end up deciding to change my name after all. I really, really didn't want to, but ultimately I decided that as much as I didn't want to, I wanted to have the same last name as my children more.

And so I chronicle for you the huge pains involved in taking a name you've had for nearly three decades and changing it all in the name of family.

Day 1: The Day I Decided

I decided to change my name on the morning that we were going to get our marriage license. For those of you who don't know me, I go by my middle name, I always have. My first name is ridiculously long, and so on my driver's license it only has Firstname Lastname.

We head to the city clerk's office where they proceed to give us our marriage license. When we get it, I notice my middle name is nowhere on the license. I ask, can we have it put on there, and the lady says since it's not on my driver's license she can't put it there, unless I have another piece of ID that has it (my passport, which I stupidly decided to leave at home).

Mini freak out. I had visions of being in the social security office and having them tell me I can't keep my middle name because it's not on the marriage certificate. And, uh, I go by my middle name!!!

After conferring with my maid of honor (a lawyer) and some other married folks who endured this trauma, I realize that it will likely not be a big deal when I go to the social security office. I would just have to bring my passport, and also my current social security card has my middle name on it.

Let that be a lesson to you: if you are changing your name, bring ID that has your full name on it, and save yourself the early morning headache.