Diane Savino, My New Hero (Yes I Rhymed)

Diane Savino, how do we make you into a United States Senator?




Despite this fantastic speech, the NY State Senate voted against the same sex marriage bill. I'm so ashamed to be a New Yorker.

Best Wishes, Rush

I'm so happy that Rush Limbaugh is so passionate about preserving the sanctity of (heterosexual) marriage. I mean, it takes someone who is about to get married for the fourth time to REALLY know about marriage. The sanctity of marriage can only be preserved by denying an entire demographic of the population their right to marry, and has nothing to do with, I don't know, honoring the whole "til death do us part" section of the vows.

No, it's not hypocritical at all.

[Sarcasm intended, of course.]

Indeed

Dude gets up after dinner (he cooked).

Me: What are you doing?

Dude: I'm doing your dishes.

Me: Why?

Dude: You did a lot of cleaning today, I'll take this.

Me: Aw, thanks hun.

.
.
.

Me: We're good at this marriage thing.

Dude: Ayup.

Married Life: Not Much Different

We are seven months into our marriage and one question we hear often other than the when-are-you-procreating question is, "Do you love being married?"

Odd question, right? I mean, why would I have gotten married if I didn't think I'd love it? Also, there is only one acceptable answer to this question, especially in small talk. The answer is "of course," and you must answer with a twinkle in your eye otherwise people will think something is wrong in your marriage.

In all seriousness, I love it. But here's the thing - I don't ESPECIALLY love it. I don't love it more than I loved living with Dude and being a part of his life before we got married. I don't love married life more than I loved single life. It's not like we woke up the day after our wedding and it was all sunshine and unicorns and all of our everyday problems went away. It was exactly the same, with just a few differences. It's just the logical progression of our relationship. We love our lives together, married or not.

So, yes, I love it. While some things have changed, most things have stayed exactly the same. And THAT'S what I love about it.

You Stay Classy, Louisiana!

Louisiana Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell refused to marry an interracial couple out of concern for their kids.

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

See?! He's not racist, his bathrooms are INTEGRATED!!

Full story here, via Gawker.

30 Republicans Opposed Anti-Rape Bill

Al Franken has wasted no time making his mark in Congress. His amendment won today.

US defence firms are to be barred from lucrative government contracts if they refuse to allow employees access to the courts, after a woman working for a Halliburton subsidiary in Iraq was prevented from taking legal action over an alleged gang rape by fellow workers.

Full story here. Another story here.

Here is the shameful list of 30 who opposed this amendment:
Alexander (R-TN)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Bond (R-MO)
Brownback (R-KS)
Bunning (R-KY)
Burr (R-NC)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Crapo (R-ID)
DeMint (R-SC)
Ensign (R-NV)
Enzi (R-WY)
Graham (R-SC)
Gregg (R-NH)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johanns (R-NE)
Kyl (R-AZ)
McCain (R-AZ)
McConnell (R-KY)
Risch (R-ID)
Roberts (R-KS)
Sessions (R-AL)
Shelby (R-AL)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Wicker (R-MS)

I am so fucking glad McCain didn't win the presidency.

Random Health Insurance Thoughts

A few thoughts, in no particular order...

Not only will insurance companies deny your child a needed liver transplant, their employees will taunt you by giving you the finger. HAHA! Protest all you want, your kid is still dead!

Pharmaceutical companies, while jacking up costs of drugs, at least produce something helpful. I mean, sure, they probably should have cured cancer or AIDS or Alzheimer's before they cured baldness and erectile dysfunction, but at least they have a product. What are insurance companies, really? They are middle men who profit off your health.

If you oppose the "socialist" public option you must not be allowed to use other "socialist" publicly funded programs, such as the public school system, fire departments, police departments, the post office, and libraries. You must also give back any financial aid you received from the federal government for higher education and stop using paved roads and highways.

Health reform must include emphasis on wellness. We're not going to cut down costs if people keep eating to the point of gluttony, smoking like chimneys, drink to oblivion, and live on their couches.

Okay, Carrie, Here is Your 15th Minute...

This is Carrie Prejean and she is ALL ABOUT being BIBLICALLY CORRECT.



[via TMZ]

I would also like to bring forth a motion to stop using the term "opposite marriage," even if it's in mockery of said Ms. Prejean. Clearly there are morons in the world who think that it's a real phrase.

Interracial Marriage and Political Candidacy

It is the start of fall, and with the start of fall comes election season! And what's election season without a little bit of race related politics!

Public Advocate candidate Bill de Blasio (a white man) has been accused by City Councilman Charles Barron of pandering to the black community by having flyers featuring his interracial family (his wife is black) distributed throughout the community. Full blog post from Gothamist here.

At first I feel a bit conflicted about this. On the one hand, I HATE HATE HATE being the "token" colored person to some white friends. I hate being the one they point to when they say "Of course I'm not racist! Look at my friend! I hang out with her!"

However, I'm certain that's not Bill de Blasio's purpose here. He's married to the lady and has beautiful interracial children, and it's simply a photo of his family on a flyer asking people to vote for him. The accusation that he's pandering to the black community by having that flyer is just ludicrous.

So while this article made me pause for a few seconds and reread and research just to make sure that Bill de Blasio wasn't exploiting his family, ultimately it makes me happy to see this campaign. No matter how progressive we think America is becoming (it's not), interracial couples are still in the minority, and there will always be people who are uncomfortable with it.

It also made me realize yet again that I'll always have a slight chip on my shoulder about being a woman of color married to a white man. If Bill de Blasio were black this would not be a news item at all. If his wife were white, also not a news item. But because they are an interracial couple it's all of a sudden a discussion and a no-win situation. If he puts them on a flyer, he's pandering. If he doesn't put them on a flyer, as one commenter astutely points out, he's ashamed of them.

As cultural barriers break down, what was considered "normal," if there was ever such a concept, is becoming less and less defined. Perhaps that is the reason there is still so much anger. Perhaps people are angry because they simply can't say "marriage" anymore and have that mean the same thing to everybody. It is heterosexual, same-sex, mixed-orientation, interracial, civil, religious, interfaith. As the times change there will always be people who fight it, but one thing is true of all of the types of marriage. It is a bond born out of mutual love and a promise to spend lives together.

Ben & Jerry's Solidified as Favorite Ice Cream Makers

This makes me happy.



What's making me even happier is the thought of how anti-marriage-equality folks are going to react once they see it in their local groceries.

My only protest is that this is very male centric. Where's the love for the lesbians, who are also fighting for marriage equality?!

But, you know, baby steps, right?

An Interesting Question

Why are so many right wing pro-lifers against healthcare reform? What kind of hypocrisy is there when you fight for the life of an embryo to live and be born out of a womb, but once they are born, don't care about what kind of healthcare they receive?

It is an inalienable right, "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," none of which can happen if you are in poor health.

Proof that the United States is Truly Sick

Two of the top three most viewed stories on CNN.com is about Facebookers and Jon Gosselin. False rumors about healthcare is second.

I fear for the future.

I Love You Barney Frank

Take note, Democrats, this is how you should respond to crazies.



In case you don't feel like watching, here is the text

Crazy nutjob: Why do you continue to support a Nazi policy as Obama has expressly supported this policy, why are you supporting it?

Barney Frank: ...When you ask me that question I am going to revert to my ethnic heritage and answer your question with a question. On what planet do you spend most of your time?

You stand there with a picture of the President defaced to look like Hitler and compare the effort to increase healthcare to the Nazis by answering you with, as I said before, it is a tribute to the First Amendment that this kind of vile contemptible nonsense is so freely propagated. Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table, I have no interest in doing it.

Listen folks, comparison to Nazis is a big fucking deal. You can't just throw that out there, just like you wouldn't just throw out the N word, you can't do it for anything less than genocide. Healthcare reform? Not genocide.

A Letter

Dear Mr. President:

Please grow some fucking balls. You campaigned on healthcare reform and no legitimate reform can be made without a public option. You who are so fond of being on TV should tell everyone absolutely with no preconditions that public option is a necessity and you will not sign a reform bill without it. You've already backed down on end of life counseling, counseling that WAS ALREADY IN PLACE. Why? Because some whiny assholes screamed lies about death panels.

Listen, I like you. I really REALLY like you. I appreciate you wanting bipartisanship, but instead of the dream of singing kumbaya around a campfire, put your fucking foot down and get this thing through. The people elected a Democratic majority. Use it. If you back down, your critics will forever nail you for getting struck down by Sarah Palin's Facebook posts.

Love,
Another One Bites the Dust

Posting About Healthcare is the New Black, at Least on This Blog

This NY Times Op-ed Piece is pretty close to how I feel about healthcare reform, and its comparisons to other countries. It's not long so I'd encourage everybody to read it, if only for the incredibly amusing first three paragraphs. Which, I will now quote here because they are so darn good.

It was the blooper heard round the world. In an editorial denouncing Democratic health reform plans, Investor’s Business Daily tried to frighten its readers by declaring that in Britain, where the government runs health care, the handicapped physicist Stephen Hawking “wouldn’t have a chance,” because the National Health Service would consider his life “essentially worthless.”

Professor Hawking, who was born in Britain, has lived there all his life, and has been well cared for by the National Health Service, was not amused.

Besides being vile and stupid, however, the editorial was beside the point. Investor’s Business Daily would like you to believe that Obamacare would turn America into Britain — or, rather, a dystopian fantasy version of Britain. The screamers on talk radio and Fox News would have you believe that the plan is to turn America into the Soviet Union. But the truth is that the plans on the table would, roughly speaking, turn America into Switzerland — which may be occupied by lederhosen-wearing holey-cheese eaters, but wasn’t a socialist hellhole the last time I looked.

Some anecdotes from my own life to add into the mix. I worked in Toronto for almost a year and during that year I got very sick, multiple times. I also have traveled quite a bit and have been sick in any number of countries. Read below to see the outcome of my experiences. Also note that all my expenses below are out of pocket, full cost, because I was not and had never been a resident of Canada or any other country other than the Philippines and therefore am not covered by any national program.

Anecdote 1: An evening in the emergency room, Toronto

I leave work early on a Tuesday evening and I'm coming down with something. My temperature is rising, I can't breathe, and I have what looks to be pink eye. I wait it out in my apartment until it is unbearable, and so I go across the street to the emergency room. After a five hour wait I got two prescriptions from the doctor, I paid $400 Canadian dollars (at the time still worth less than US dollars), and got my prescriptions at $20 total.

Total cost of emergency room and medicine: $420 Canadian

Verdict: While 5 hours wasn't exactly great, it's still better than any emergency room I've been to in the United States, also cheaper. Also keep in mind that I did what most uninsured people in the US do - wait until the condition was awful and then went straight to the ER. No preventive care.


Anecdote 2: A Pleasant Doctor's Visit, Toronto

I have an eye issue that won't go away. There is redness and pain but no photosensitivity or change in vision. After my evening in the ER I ask my Canadian coworker for the name of her doctor. I call to make an appointment and get one that afternoon. The receptionist asks me for my insurance card at which point I explain that I'm a nonresident and need to pay out of pocket. I get a prescription from the doctor.

Total cost of doctor and medicine: $50 Canadian

Verdict: Are you fucking kidding me? It's fucking awesome! When was the last time the doctor only charged $50 (actually it was $30 and the prescription was $20) TOTAL?! I can't even talk to my doctor on the phone without getting charged!


Anecdote 3, not exactly medical: A Chipped Tooth, Toronto

I chipped my front tooth during an ill-fated St. Patrick's Day in Miami. It wasn't too bad but it was noticeable enough and I wanted to get it fixed right away. My dentist in Manhattan did not have appointments on Fridays (the only day I was in the city at the time). I decided to get it done in Canada.

Total cost of repairing chipped tooth: $80 Canadian

Verdict: There are no words for how awesome this is. I can't even get a cleaning for $80 in the US.

Anecdote 4: Unbearable Eczema, Croatia

While on my honeymoon the eczema on my arms flared up. I stupidly forgot my amazing cream and so I toughed it out for a while until I could no longer handle it and it was waking me up in the middle of the night. Normal cortisone creams or calamine lotions do not work on this eczema, trust me, I've tried everything. I went to a pharmacy. I pointed at the eczema and said please help me. The pharmacist gave me two creams.

Total cost of "visit" plus creams: 60 kuna, or about $12 USD

Verdict: If this were to happen to me in the US, I would have had to visit my doctor, get a prescription, then pay for the prescription, which would have been a lot more than $12 USD.


I am not sharing all this because I think Canada or Croatia is perfect because I don't (no offense to Canada or Croatia but nothing is perfect), nor do I really advocate the Canadian health system. I'm sure it has its problems, as everything does. But the fact that I had three medical issues in Canada that cost me $550 Canadian, TOTAL, not copay, not deductible, not anything else, means that there is something seriously broken in the United States healthcare system. When I look at my Explanation of Benefits, I see that some of my visits cost $800 each. I pay only $25 because I have excellent coverage, but seriously, $800 for an hour's visit?

Still think we don't need reform?

A Change in Direction

I'm not really sure what to do with this blog because I'm sick to death of wedding stuff but I don't necessarily want to give up this space. So I can't really guarantee any direction other than it will no longer be a wedding blog. Well, maybe once in a while it will go back to weddings.

For today, I'm still not done about healthcare reform. So that's what this post will be about.

I was watching President Obama's town hall meeting at Colorado today, and one thing he said really stuck with me:

"I don't want government meddling in your healthcare, but the point is I don't want insurance bureaucrats meddling in your healthcare either."

I think that's something that many people have overlooked in this debate. Today in the United States, doctors are not making healthcare decisions for you. They make medical recommendations that are approved or denied by insurance companies. There are only two big players in healthcare today - insurance and pharmaceutical companies. I am not making that statement out of some study I read or some article that was online. My mother is a nurse and has worked on every aspect of healthcare you can think of, and that statement came out of her mouth. And I see it in my own life. I have my own health issues and when I ask my doctor if something is covered by insurance, he/she has to look at my insurance and their own records before they can answer me. And if it's not covered, which some things are not, I have to actually think about what I want to do.

For example, I got my wisdom teeth taken out six years ago, and my insurance didn't cover anesthesia.

These are the people making medical decisions for us.

So for the people who say that reform will make politicians involved in your healthcare, all I have to say is this... politicians, unlike insurance or pharmaceutical companies, do not stand to make any direct profit from your living or dying or any other medical issue. They may be swayed one way or another, usually by insurance or pharmaceuticals or other corporate interests, but they are elected officials, and if they willingly or unwillingly impose medical sentences, they won't get elected again.

We can look at our politicians and say, if you do such and such we won't elect you again and you will lose your job. When was the last time you could say that to an insurance company, where you could say, if you don't cover this procedure we will just leave you?

The answer is... we can't. Insurance and pharmaceuticals have held us hostage. Is the lack of reform really the solution?

Honest to Goodness Non-Snarky Political Questions

Were the conservatives this batshit crazy when Bill Clinton was President? Or during the Gore vs. Bush election? Or during the Kerry vs. Bush election?

I don't recall this level of batshitness. Granted I was 12 when Bill Clinton was sworn in, but I was 20 by the time Bush came around, so I was well aware of the world around me, and I don't recall this level of... hysteria. Nor do I recall this level of crazy during the 2000 and 2004 elections.

If the conservatives were not this crazy during the Clinton years or during the other elections, what other possible reason could there be for all this craziness other than our current President is black? Why is he being dissected so much more than anybody else before him? He doesn't have particularly original ideas, not much more than his predecessors.

The only thing I might throw out there is that in the Internet age, access to information is so vast, and access to mis-information is even more so.

What's really fascinating is that this hysteria is about the most BORING SUBJECT IN THE WORLD. Healthcare. You don't even have to opt into the public option if you have employer insurance. There are no death panels, that was a stupid lie made up by an executive of a medical equipment company. I find it particularly hysterical that the people screaming against the government taking control over your end of life procedures (which it's not, all the bill does is FUND COUNSELING) are the same people who stopped everything and interfered with Terri Schiavo's next of kin when it was time for her End.

I really, honestly think, that all this nonsense is because Barack Obama is black, and those who say otherwise are really in denial. Defeating healthcare reform, while harmful to the rest of the country and for millions of Americans, would be a huge political blow to Obama, and that's what's important to these protesters.

What is so wrong about giving everyone healthcare? Really. I have yet to hear the protests from the other side, because all they do is scream and yell like 5 year olds. Except all the 5 year olds I know actually know how to listen.

Wedding Hits and Misses: Seating

It's been forever. Sorry. Summer has been crazy.

HIT: Seating Posters

I have a confession to make. I have an irrational hatred of placecards. I hate them and I can't even explain why. So we went with seating posters.



The venue was happy we chose to do this so they didn't have to lay out itty bitty cards, and also made for less cleanup at the end of the night.

MISS: Confusion

Some of Dude's family ended up at the Drinking Table (yes, we segregated our drinking friends so that they could be within the closest proximity to the bar). When our friends tried to tell them that they weren't supposed to be seated there, they swore up and down that they were. Nobody wanted to go back to the poster to prove that they were at the wrong table. Totally would have been avoided if people had their own placecards.

It all worked out in the end though. Turned out there was a table that was mostly empty and so the non-drinkers moved over to the roomy table.

Bah Humbug

I seem to have nothing positive to blog about these days, so you're all treated to yet another rambling on race in America.

You've no doubt heard about Professor Gates being arrested in his own home. You've also no doubt heard that President Obama directly addressed this situation when asked about it and said the officers acted "stupidly" and now the GOP is all up in their panties. Is it just me, or has the right gone completely batshit? Newsflash: you lost. We endured you for 8 years. You want to talk about a possible illegitimate President? How about one who didn't even win the popular vote in 2000? Stop saying this President was born in Kenya, BECAUSE HE WASN'T.

But again, I digress. Back to Gatesgate.

First of all, the President can't have an opinion on how a situation was handled? Especially because this person is a friend of his? Do I need to remind all of you about the Terri Schiavo case as an example of President with an opinion? Oh, right. Terri Schiavo was white.

And, most importantly, did we forget that Professor Gates proved that he was in his own home, and that if he were being belligerent he was in perfect right to do so, and that is by no means any grounds for an arrest? We live in a country where Neonazis are rampant, and they do all their shit behind closed doors so that they are never arrested. Professor Gates could have been insulting everyone and their mother and he was in perfect right to do so in his own home. Can you imagine the implication of this? Let's say you had a rough day and you go home and blow off some steam and say something to the effect of "I'm going to kill all these bastards," knowing you don't mean it once you've calmed down. You wouldn't get arrested for that, and that's not even near what Professor Gates actually said, according to the arresting officer.

What other conclusion can one make other than the officer acted stupidly? Nothing, really.

I'm going to completely rip off MonkeyGirl's comment when she posted the original article:

For those of you who think POC play the 'race card' too often... fuck you.

Adventures in Name Changing: 6 Weeks Later

It has been six weeks since I started the name change process and I thought I'd give an update.

For the most part, I am done. Work, license, banks, credit cards, insurance are all done. If New York City Marriage Bureau actually displayed some efficiency I would also have sent in my passport application by now, but four weeks after I've mailed in the application, the fees, and the photocopy of my identification, I still have not yet received copies of my marriage certificate, leading me to worry that somewhere out there is my completed application with all of our identifying information on it just for somebody to pick up and steal.

Surprisingly enough, the easiest ones to change have been my credit cards. No copies of the marriage certificate needed, just a phone call and some verification of my identity.

Also, because I don't believe in sugarcoating, I should also let you all know definitively that changing your name affects your career negatively. In the last 6 weeks I can't tell you how many people thought I left my company because they all of a sudden could not find me in the corporate directory.

Let me repeat that. People thought I left my company because I chose to change my name.

I made the decision to change my name - I'm an adult and I made that choice for the good of my family. And I'm sure eventually I'll come around and like it, but honestly, I don't right now, and frankly I can't see a time in the near future when I will. Not using my maiden name is still extremely upsetting and at this point I feel nothing but regret.

I apologize if this seems so completely negative, but I feel that it's really important to talk about it all honestly, that even some of us who do end up changing our names do so not as willingly as some and at great cost to our lives. I think about that morning when I told Dude I would change my name and how happy he was, and how I thought it was all worth it just to see him so happy. And when I feel blue about my decision I think about that day, and I do think that it was worth it, if only for Dude's sake. But I wonder, really, if he would have been so happy had he known back then what this was all really costing me.

But, you know, it's only six weeks in. What's six weeks versus a lifetime right? Here's hoping.

Read This Article

Really. Read this and tell me that I'm overreacting when I get angry about racism and discrimination. Read it and tell me that there's no reason for people of color to hate their own skin.

I can't even imagine what I would have done had I been one of the Creative Steps staff members, or if I were a parent who was present at the time. Part of me would have wanted to run screaming immediately for a lawyer, capture the moment on video and post it on Youtube for everyone to see. But therein lies the double-edged sword of discrimination. Even if that pool did let those kids in, why would they want to use it now that they'd been made acutely aware that they weren't wanted there, that their color was somehow contagious?

I can't even express what I feel about this story anymore - appalled, shocked, saddened. I can complain and write and whine for the rest of my life and I still won't be able to adequately express the alienation that results from discrimination.

If I ever hear my children make excuses that "they're only HALF asian" I think I will kill myself.

That Irrelevant Bimbo

It pains me to no end that Sarah Palin is still in the media spotlight. I feel some compunction about writing this at all, because I'm just giving her attention which I don't believe she deserves. I had meant to write a post a few weeks ago when she forced David Letterman to apologize, but I held my tongue and now I can't anymore.

I would like to preface this whole rant by saying that if there is some sort of difficulty regarding her family then of course her resignation is the right call. I do not wish her or her family any harm, no matter what my rant below might imply.

I would also like to say that I do not want to get into politics. I realize that my opinions are mine and people have different opinions, and if you support Sarah Palin's politics then that is your right.

What I do want to talk about, and what I want to chastise Sarah Palin for, is for the example and precedent she sets for other women.

She is a quitter. That is it, plain and simple. I am deeply offended that she even uses the term "lame duck" in her speech. So, she is quitting because her heart simply wasn't in it and because of that, she would do a shitty job for the remainder of the term? She had too many distractions and couldn't tough it out? Lady, you were ELECTED TO PUBLIC OFFICE. You don't just up and quit because you don't want to do it anymore. You don't have the luxury of changing jobs, changing direction, mid-term, that is the price of being in the public eye. What rational human being would ever think about electing you to any future public office when you can leave when you feel like it? How much harder is it going to be for a woman to be elected to public office, or appointed to any leadership role?

I am filled with all sorts of vitriol over the implications of this. It's hard enough to be a successful woman in this world, but when a very public figure who projects the epitome of righteousness just ups and leaves for a "higher calling," it says to me that she (and women in the world by proxy) can't cut it. They can't handle the responsibilities and pressure. THANKS A FUCKING LOT.



There have been many conjectures about why Sarah Palin might have resigned, but the one that offends me most is that the media scrutiny was just too much for her and her family to handle. This point I would like to address, because I'd like to compare her to my lady Hillary Clinton.

Sarah Palin has been under intense media scrutiny since last August, and flaunted her family as examples of pro-life bizarro conservative family values. Hey, she knew she was having a baby with Downs Syndrome and didn't abort it!! And look, her teenage daughter and her lunatic (ex-)boyfriend were irresponsible about sex and got pregnant and they did not have an abortion! Praise Jeebus!

I'm sorry, but after parading your family around the public all last fall, they are FAIR. GAME. You wanted to give them privacy? You should have done that from the beginning. Frankly, the way she flaunted her family at the Republican National Convention was sickening and in poor taste.

Now, let's talk about Hillary shall we? Now THAT lady knows media scrutiny. Remember all the jokes poked about her appearance? All that hoopla about her suits and her haircuts? Remember the mess about health care? Remember how her husband got a blow job from an intern and was impeached for it? And remember all the jokes poked at poor Chelsea Clinton, whose only fault was that she was the unfortunate recipient of an ugly adolescence? And by the way, remember that Hillary has been enduring this since 1992?

So if the reason for Sarah Palin's resignation is media scrutiny, then all I have to say to her is SUCK IT.

Now I have been guilty of chastising beauty pageant contestants, but I can't fault them for being boneheads. Their lives revolve around being pretty and parading around swimsuits. But Sarah Palin is a public figure. She sponsors bills. She runs an entire state. She's contemplating another round for office in 2012. Does that not fucking scare you?


Dear Sarah Palin,

Stop setting our gender back. You are not helping matters.

Love,
Another One Bites the Dust

MJ

I am not one to be greatly affected by celebrity deaths. It's sad when a public persona dies, but I don't know them personally and so my reaction is usually to shrug and move on.

But last night, as I heard the news of Michael Jackson's death, I found myself strangely full of conflicting emotions.

Michael Jackson is the reason I started dancing and singing. My parents were very strict when I was growing up, and so my brother and I spent many hours by ourselves, and many of those hours were spent listening to and watching Michael Jackson. We had nightmares over Thriller. We used to sing and dance to Bad and Smooth Criminal in our basement.

In fact, I think one of my very first gender equality arguments was about MJ.

Me: I want to be Michael Jackson!
My brother: You can't be Michael Jackson, you're a girl!
Me: Girls can do that too!

I don't know what evils he may have done when he was alive. Maybe he was a pedophile, I don't know, and if he was then I hope he's paying for it now. But I can't brush aside the fact that so much of my personality was influenced by Michael Jackson.

In tribute, last night I sang myself hoarse to his songs, and danced around the living room while Dude played video games.

Adventures in Name Changing, Part 4: A Word on Miss Now Mrs

As you can probably tell, I'm not having the greatest experience in changing my name. My situation is unique enough that I shoulder some of the blame (or rather, my parents, who chose to name me something complicated and then refer to me by my middle name. At least that's better than other Filipinos who have names completely unrelated to their legal names, for example, Boy, Baby, there's one in every family. It's a Filipino thing. But I digress).

Some people have asked me why I didn't just use the Miss now Mrs. service. For thirty dollars, they will give you a very handy admin screen where you fill out your information once and they copy it to all the necessary forms and letters. You print it out, it gives you instructions, you do them. It's simple, and I'll admit that I was tempted to use it.

But here's the thing. For many of these, you still have to show up. You still have to go to social security. You still have to go to the DMV. When I did my banks they made me sign all this shit and there's no way I could have done that over the mail.

They claim:

We save each customer an average of 13 hours of form research, completion and filing mishaps!

I'm not sure I believe this. Like I said above there are things you just have to go to, you can't just mail it in. This service would not have spared me the 3 hours total it took to go to the DMV (three times) and wait in line, take the photo, and pay. In many ways showing up to the actual office will save you time, they know exactly what forms you need and you just go and fill it out. But then again, I'm fortunate that my job has half day Fridays during the summer when I can go and do this. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I had a different job.

So my take on this service is that if you don't mind spending the thirty dollars, it's convenient, and it makes a good thoughtful gift to a newlywed. Provided you KNOW she's changing her last name. If I made the decision to keep my name and gotten this as a gift I would not have been happy.

Life After Wedding: Officially Graduated

With the honeymoon over and the dust finally settled I have officially graduated from wedding planning. I don't think I'm done with Hits and Misses, I may still sprinkle some in from time to time as recollections come back to me, but while they are fresh in my mind I'd like to share my lessons learned. Feel free to disregard because if you're anything like me, you dislike unsolicited advice.


Lesson 1: Your wedding is not about you. (Well, maybe it's 20% about you.)

No really, it's not. Everyone says it is and they make a big deal out of it, but when what you want is something that deviates from the norm, people WILL GIVE YOU A HARD TIME ABOUT IT. They may actually voice their opinion, or they may, like most courteous people, simply shut their mouths and keep their judgements to themselves. But rest assured, those judgements are there. Everyone thinks they have a say about what you want and what is best for you. I suspect this only gets worse once the babies come, but it starts at wedding planning.

I am headstrong and stubborn and definitely prefer the make-my-own-mistakes school of learning, so this was one of my peeves from the beginning and why I didn't really want a wedding. But as the decisions were made and the date got closer I came to the realization that weddings are mostly a time of togetherness. For family and friends who might not see each other that often, to get together and celebrate the union of two families. It is also a time for other couples to remember their own vows and the happy times in their lives.

Yes, you are the center of attention, the gifts are all for you, the photos are all of you... but really it's about more than just you. And because of that, compromises must be made.


Lesson 2: Contrary to what the wedding industry and the blog universe tells you, your wedding does NOT have to be personal.

Your wedding is not any less legitimate whether you DIY everything and spend $1000 any more than it is when you splurge on everything and spend $50,000. None of that makes a difference. The only measurement of a successful wedding is that the couple is actually married at the end of the day. Keeping it personal is a nice touch, but not necessary, so don't stress yourself out over that.

Of course, keep in mind that I spent very much time making my wedding personal. And you know what, it drove me crazy! If I could do it over again, I would have ordered the programs instead of making them myself, and maybe asked one of my bridesmaids to make the wedding slideshow.


Lesson 3: Find a happy place.

Like I said above, if what you want is not what other people think you should want, they will tell you. Everyone complains about something. The colors, the transportation (or in our case, the lack of), the weather, the room temperature, etc. Find a happy place. Go there often. Mine is Paradise Island in the Philippines. I mentally visited that beach two, three times a week. After you've visited your happy place, you will be in a much better condition to either acquiesce to the requests of your family and friends or put your foot down and fight for what you want no matter what it takes.

Lesson 4: Do not ever use the word "perfect."

Seriously, ban it from your vocabulary, and if anybody tries to use it to pressure you into doing something, ignore it with all your might. Newsflash: Your wedding is not going to be perfect. It may be the most fun time you've had, the best day of your life, but it won't be perfect. Something's going to go wrong. The photographer forgets a shot, the DJ plays a song you don't like, your mother takes away the cupcakes before you've had a chance to have one...

I had fun at my wedding. I barely spent any time with my husband, I was busy dancing, but I had fun. All of my loved ones were there. I married the best man I've ever met. But you can totally bet that I farted during the ceremony. Far from perfect.


Lesson 5: Don't forget your future spouse.

Fight these battles together. Complain to each other. Deal with your families together. The word of the lesson is: together. It's so much easier when there's two.

Life After Wedding: The Baby Questions

Disclaimer: Before anybody assumes anything, we are NOT expecting, we are NOT trying, and I am NOT implying anything by posting an entry about babies.

Everyone has said quite accurately that as soon as you get engaged the most asked question is, "Have you set a date?" and that as soon as you get married that turns into, "When are you having babies?"

IT'S TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY TRUE.

Interestingly enough, it hasn't bothered me the same way that the wedding questions did. It's actually surprising to me how much it hasn't bothered me. I think that may be because I viewed my wedding as a party forced upon me by a patriarchal institution, and having babies is my biological privilege as a woman. There is a difference, in my mind, between what is given to me by nature and what is forced upon me by society. (Side note: what I DO mind is the implication that you must be married in order to have babies. Or that you can't be married without the desire to have babies. That's just silly.)

Anyway, as I said in my disclaimer, babies are not in our immediate future, but there have been a plethora of new babies in my life from various friends and coworkers. And so from time to time my friends and coworkers will post sites that I will peruse at my leisure. I came across this site, Let's Panic About Babies!, which is hilarious. I found myself wandering into the What Kind of New Mother Stereotype Are You quiz, and I think that eventually, this will be me:

Reluctant mom

Motto: That baby's here somewhere.
Characteristics: Calls baby "Dude"; doesn’t want to nurse, because hasn't she done enough?
Can be found: Performing Google searches for "mother who doesn’t lose identity just because of some kid."
Warning signs that this might be you: What's your baby's name? Quick! No looking at the birth certificate!

Hilario. Though admittedly, for only a select group of people with like-minded senses of humor.

Life After Wedding: Etiquette and My Biggest Annoyance to Date...

...being called Mrs. DudesFirstName DudesLastName.

I HAVE MY OWN FIRST NAME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I took his last name only.

A lot of people say that Ms. Manners would allow others to address me in the manner which I do not prefer, however etiquette has been and always will be about respect. I concede that up until very recently Mrs. DudesFirstName DudesLastName was an acceptable method of addressing the wife, but times have changed and there's nothing more disrespectful, in my opinion, than to do away with the wife's first name. And yes, I totally know that Mrs. means "wife of" and that technically the above is correct, but I have never and will never like Mrs., and showing respect means honoring the salutation that people prefer.

Men don't have to declare their marital status using their Mister honorific, why should women?

My preference is Ms. MyFirstName MyLastName, and of course, as of a couple of weeks ago, MyLastName = DudesLastName.


By the way, one of my friends who got married last month got her DJ to announce them as Mr. HisFirstName HisLastName and Ms. HerFirstName HisLastName. A lot of the relatives were confused, but you can bet that my peers and I smiled with glee.

Found on the Web: 50% Off One Item Promo Code at Jo Ann

Promo code TTF170A will get you 50% off one regularly priced item.

I would get this maybe? Though now, I have no more use for it. It would be 50% off the regular price so it's not THAT much off the sale price, but still.

Adventures in Name Changing, Part 3

Today I went to the DMV to try to get my last name changed on my license, my second attempt. My first attempt was last week when I came on a Friday (yay summer half day Fridays!) and the line was 4 hours long, according to the information desk. Today, it was half that, 2 hours long. I considered going into the line and then sense kicked in. I have a job. I can't just take off 2 hours.

The lady in front of me was doing the same thing. We got to chatting while waiting for the information desk. She went straight into the line. When she saw me leaving she waved and said, "You're not staying?" I said, "I can't do two hours, I'll try earlier tomorrow morning."

A few things to note.

I made the decision to change my name. I'm not happy about it, just like I wasn't happy when my original plan of 30 people wedding in a restaurant ballooned into 115 people. However, I am an adult, and I made this decision for the good of my family. This does NOT mean that I'm happy or excited about it. (Yep, if you were looking for ponies and unicorns, you'd better move on to another blog.)

I thought about the lady in front of me in line, and I envied her. And I envied all the other women in the world who were excited about changing their name. My name is part of my identity and I'm having a lot of trouble letting go of it.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a believer in gender roles. Aside from the obvious biological tasks that must be done by males and females, I don't believe in general social gender statements of "this is what men/women are like so deal with it." And then I thought about all the other things that women are expected to do, things I know my friends and family have done, just because that's what women do. Even the task of planning the wedding by default falls into the woman's hands (not speaking for same-sex couples, obviously).

Just think for a moment. How many times have you said, "I'm going to leave work for a half an hour to check out my venue/make a few vendor calls/look at a florist"? And now, think about how many times your man has said that. If he does half of it and you do the other half, then you are a lucky lucky woman. For me, it was about 10 percent him, and that was with some nagging because I was overwhelmed. By far I don't see the men in my office leave work for any little errand, because they have their WIVES to do it.

Women complain that we do too much, we get paid unequal amounts for the same amount of work. And it sucks and I don't disagree with that. But maybe, just maybe, we are in a hell of our own making. Because these little things, these random errands? They add up. People notice when you're not in the office, more than you might think. And I don't even want to talk about the impact to my career when it comes time for babies.

As for my personal name changing adventure, I'm going to try one more time, even earlier in the morning sometime this week. And if I can't get that done in the half hour to one hour slot I've assigned it then I'm going to take my hard-earned half day summer Friday and fucking wait.

Back from the Hiatus

We finally went on our honeymoon and are (sadly) back to reality. It was a fantastic and crazy hectic trip, and we don't regret a minute of it.

It was Dude's first trip out of the hemisphere, and he was splendid. I had my doubts, like when he wanted to go to dinner in shorts while we were in Italy and I had to tell him that Europeans don't really wear shorts. (To be perfectly fair, it was 90 degrees, the hottest May Italy has seen in 50 years, and he doesn't really have the option of wearing a skirt like yours truly.) I had to remind him a couple of times that when bumping into people to say "Mi scusi" or "Oprostite" (Italian and Croatian, respectively) instead of "Sorry." (Side note, that is my BIGGEST pet peeve about American tourists is that so many use basic phrases in English. There are only a few phrases everyone should know in the language of the country he or she is visiting - hello, sorry, thank you, good bye, and do you speak English. If saying any of those things, you should really say them in the language of the country you are in. You would expect foreign tourists to speak to you in English when you are in America and that courtesy should be extended. End side note.)

But Dude quickly caught on and was great company, and going on our whirlwind trip really gave us some great bonding moments and moments of insight into each other that we hadn't seen before, despite over six years together. We were out of our comfort zone for the entire trip, and while we had some stressful moments, we pulled through together. And Dude, the eternal optimist, came up with the catch phrase that saw us through, and will probably be used for quite some time during our marriage - "Great us."

Me: Shitty weather!
Dude: Great us!

Me: Stupid traffic!
Dude: Great us!

Great us, indeed.

Life After Wedding: Desperately Awaiting the Honeymoon

For a variety of reasons, Dude and I have not yet gone on our honeymoon. While I don't regret at all giving us a break between wedding and honeymoon (I really don't understand how people leave for two weeks following the crazy wedding stuff!), I do regret that we put over two months between them. We didn't really have a choice, but there you go.

Anyway, we leave really, really soon! I didn't realize it was so close until yesterday. Words cannot express how excited I am. For now our itinerary looks like:

Rome, then train to
Florence, then train to
Trieste, then be driven to
Porec, then drive around
the rest of Istria and Plitvice, then ferry to
Hvar, then ferry and drive to
Dubrovnik, then plane to
London, then home.

Whew! If we have time and energy we are going to try to see:
Austria and Slovenia (within driving distance of Trieste)
Bosnia-Herzegovina and Montenegro (within driving distance of Dubrovnik)

If we hit all these sites that will be 7, yes count them, 7 countries in one honeymoon.

So excited!!!

On Addressing Your Invitations or Save the Dates (or Anything for that Matter)

One of my friends is getting married and since she knows I was very budget conscious, she sometimes she asks me how I did certain things. This week we spoke about addressing her envelopes. I told her that I used labels, and she said that she wasn't going to do that because she thought it was impersonal.

First of all, I completely acknowledge that she has the right to her opinion and that her comment was not some passive-aggressive comment directed at me. It's her wedding and I support her.

However, I wish to address the general idea that the use of labels is "impersonal." I am not attacking my friend, or anyone else for that matter, but I've seen this comment a lot in the blogosphere and the wedding forums and I wish to give my opinion on the matter.

There is nothing more personal than being invited to someone's wedding. You could throw an intimate 10 person wedding or a 500 person wedding where the bride and groom only knew like 100 people there, it would still be personal. In either scenario, guests are still witness to the legal joining of two people in matrimony. They saw the ceremony, ate the food, mingled with the couple's friends and family... they will be in the wedding photography FOREVER.

So I reject this idea that the manner in which your invitations or save the dates actually matter. They may matter to you, and you may prefer the aesthetics of calligraphy and choose to pay for it. Or you may choose to hand address them yourselves. That's great, that's your choice, and your choice is more likely than not about the appearance of your envelopes than it is about personalization. But it's completely insulting to say that using labels is impersonal. It's not an appropriate excuse for a thinly veiled criticism. Just because somebody decided to print out a name and address instead of paying for a calligrapher or crippling his or her hand from writing it out does not mean that it wasn't meant especially for the recipient. The fact that guests are holding an invitation at all is what makes it personal.

And perhaps, in my case, using labels meant more people could be invited, or that I didn't drive myself crazy hand addressing 80 invitations.

Closer! NY Assembly Voted 89-52 for Same Sex Marriage

This is not a victory yet. It has to go to the state Senate, where a similar measure died two years ago.

CNN story here.

A bit more heartening, though, is that the previous Assembly vote was 85-61. Three Democrats switched their votes as did one Republican.

Assemblyman Danny O'Donnell (Rosie's brother, I believe?) said a very poignant thing regarding this bill:

I am seeking a piece of paper that is issued by my government that all of you have had. Some of you have had it two or three times, some of you are running for governor managed to marry their cousin and all that's ok. But I don't get one. So it's not about anybody's religion. This is about 'by the power vested in me by the State of New York.'

Source: Gothamist

On Using "I'm Married" As Protection From Creepy People

Today there was a very annoying man on the subway that hit on me. On the one hand, I'm flattered (very slightly) that despite six years with Dude I've still got it, but really, it was annoying and I was just trying to read my book. This guy was relentless, trying to strike up conversation even though I clearly was giving him Evil Face and turned up my iPod so that I could barely hear him. It went on for a few minutes, "What's your name, beautiful?" "Where are you going?" "Why aren't you talking to me?" Then finally the question that put an end to it, "What's wrong with you, are you married or something?"

I'm not one to engage harassers because I really don't think they're worth the time of day, but at this point I said, "As a matter of fact, I am married, but even if I weren't, I still wouldn't want to talk to you." He shut up for a few minutes, and then I got out at the next stop and went into the adjacent car.

This whole anecdote was not really meant to boast about my desirability, but rather to convey my complete rage that a woman who is not interested in a strange man MUST be married, or else why isn't she talking to him? While I'm slightly comforted by the fact that if I'm in a sticky situation with a strange man, all I have to do is hold up my left hand, I'm very disturbed that for some men, that's what it takes for them to back the fuck off.

I'm also troubled by the fact that somtimes, the "I'm married" response is often the first response. What does that mean, that if you weren't married you wouldn't brush him off? It's the simple response, but it doesn't do much for fellow women, single or married (or attached but not married). The best response, in my opinion, is "I'm not interested" - but as I whined about above, some men just don't understand that.

Being female stinks sometimes. All I want is to commute in peace, and I can't even have that?

Yay Maine!!!

Maine becomes the fifth state to approve same sex marriage!

Story here.

Etiquette/Gift Giving Help, Please!!

Dude and I are less than three weeks away from our honeymoon (yaaaay!) and a not-very-distant relative has graciously offered to host us in Trieste. She and her husband have also offered to take us driving around Austria and Slovenia, then driving us to Croatia to pick up our rental car, and also getting us in contact with their friends and relatives for the remainder of the Croatia road trip.

Neat-o huh?

WHAT DO I BRING THEM AS HOSTESS GIFTS?! Someting New York-y, I'm thinking. Though I don't think they'll let me take cheesecake on the flight - will they?

Also, please keep in mind that we are carrying on only, no checking baggage for us.

Another Reason to Love Sweden Besides Meatballs and Ikea!

Sweden legalizes same sex marriages! Story here.

Thanks to Two Chicks Nest for the linkage.

On Our Registry: China

I did not think I was going to register for china. Looking at them at the store, I thought they were really pretty but fragile, and I refuse to own anything that's high maintenance.

But then the guy at Bloomingdale's gave me a spiel about how our roles will change with the years and we should really own a set for posterity. Then I thought about my grandmothers in the Philippines and how they always had a nice set of china that they brought out for Christmas.

So we registered for china.

Image from {Bloomingdale's}

We only registered for the dinner and salad plates. I didn't want the cup and saucer to be matchy-matchy, and anything that is served in them would not be served with the other plates anyway.

We registered for service for 12. We really only wanted 10, but both Dude and I are clumsy and are certain we'll break something over the years.

To our pleasant surprise, we got them all! I really didn't think that we would. They are lovely.

Life After Wedding: Love in the Time of Swine Flu

We're about a month and a half into LAW (Life After Wedding) and so far, almost every conversation has gone like this:

Person: "So, how's married life?"
Me: "Um, it's exactly the same."

Dude and I dated for six years prior to our nuptuals, and lived together for 2 of those 6 years, so as far as we were concerned we were already married. The wedding was just a one day party to sign our license.

But I guess it's not entirely true. Certain things are different. The biggest change I can tell right now is that when dealing with certain issues, we are a team. We back each other up.

So when my mother calls and says, "Listen, don't take the subway, you might get swine flu," and I tell her that's she's overreacting, there are now two of us telling her she's overreacting. Except Dude is much more diplomatic than me, so she listens to him. The point is, it's no longer me against the world. It's us against the world. It's nice to not have all that responsibility solely on my shoulders anymore.

Here's something for your amusement:

I can't properly credit this photo because it's been circulating around the internets.

Wedding Hits and Misses: A Couple of my Favorite Shots

I have no misses on this post, only a couple of my favorite photos from the day.

The gentlemen, looking like Reservoir Dogs...


And Dude and I in the park at Tudor City...

F*ck You, Miss California

I don't watch the Miss USA pageant, nor do I read or particularly like Perez Hilton, but apparently Miss California was asked by Perez if other states should follow Vermont in legalizing same sex marriages. Here was her response:

Well I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose between same sex marriage or opposite marriage, and you know what? In my country, in my family, I think I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised and that's how I think that it should be between a man and a woman.

Miss Prejean is now saying that her answer cost her the crown. She defended herself to Matt Lauer, saying that she lost "because I had spoken from my heart, from my beliefs, and for my God." Come on, America! She was just being honest! She goes on...

It's not about being politically correct, it's about being biblically correct.

I don't have the video at my disposal so I can link to it, but she says "biblically" like you think she would - condescendingly and holier than thou.

Okay lady. I understand that everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, that's our right as Americans, as human beings, and it's unfortunate if your opinion involves bigotry, but you still have the right to it.

You didn't win the crown because you didn't answer the question. You gave an answer involving your opinion and your values and YOUR (and the Bible's) definition of marriage. That wasn't the question. The question was whether or not you thought other states should follow Vermont's lead. Now, if you had said something along the lines of "We live in a democracy and the will of the people will prevail," now THAT would have answered the question AND honest at the same time. The uproar over your answer is not because of your beliefs. (Okay, maybe it is.) It is because in your less than 30 second display of brilliance you implied the following:

• That being gay and wanting same-sex marriage is a choice (I understand that she may have meant the choice was same-sex or heterosexual marriage, but uh, it's not, it's only a choice in a handful of states, so she's wrong anyway.)
• That the alienated demographic you just insulted (and their supporters) would excuse your answer and not cry out in anger because you said "no offense to anybody" - it doesn't work that way sister
• That the laws of the country should fundamentally reflect how you were raised and what you and your parents and your family believe
• That Vermont's law (and Iowa's and Connecticut's and Massachusett's) and its residents who voted for it are wrong

And by the way, what the fuck is "opposite marriage"?

If you really want to go all biblical on everybody, since everyone who is opposed to same-sex marriage loves to quote Leviticus, let me recount some other Leviticus "abominations":

• Eating shrimp and lobster (11:10)
• Shaving (19:27)
• Bunnies (11:6)
• Working on Saturday (19:30)
• Eating pork (11:7)

As a good friend of mine has said, "Quote one, quote them all, that's just common sense."

Miss California, I appreciate that you were honest in your answer. I am so tired of beauty queens talking fluff. But just because you're honest doesn't mean you are right or excused. You were raised in a household where marriage is defined as heterosexual - I get that. But there are very many people in the world who were raised in a household where they are taught that all colored people are criminals, that colored people and white people shouldn't marry, the list of bigotry goes on. And as a contender for Miss America, you were in the running to be a representative of our country. I, for one, am infinitely glad that you didn't win. Of course if I read your interview with Matt Lauer correctly, now you think that not winning means God has another purpose for you, and apparently that's to go public with your bigoted beliefs under the ruse of "speaking from the heart."

Thanks for setting the country back a few decades.

By the way, your grammar is atrocious.

Ugh.

What's worse than wedding budgeting?

Life budgeting. Especially when combining two separate sets of finances for the first time.

That's My Governor!

Governor Paterson introduced a bill to legalize same-sex marriages.

Full story here.

Wedding Hits and Misses: The Cake(s)!

HIT:

For a number of reasons, we opted for cupcakes over the traditional wedding cake. First, because I like variety, but mostly because my venue tried to charge me $3 a head to cut and plate a cake, a fee that was waived if I brought in cupcakes. Decision made.

We went with my favorite cupcake place in the city, Sugar Sweet Sunshine, and they were great. I worked with Deb entirely via email and phone, and she was so responsive and helpful. The cupcakes were $1.50 each, which is nothing compared to the cake estimates I was getting elsewhere. We also got a cupcake tree, I thought about making one at first but I just decided I couldn't deal with that much DIY. We ordered 5 flavors - pistachio (my favorite!), red velvet, yellow cake with chocolate icing, yellow cake with buttercream icing, and chocolate cake with chocolate almond icing. Sugar Sweet Sunshine handled delivery, decoration of the tree, and setup.



Having cupcakes also meant that we did not have to do any cake cutting, which was an added bonus. Admittedly I thought about having a cake cutting just so Dude and I could have a cake fight, but when I decided to get my hair and makeup done, I certainly didn't want him messing that up with icing. Fake eyelashes smeared with cake? Not good.

MISS:

Because of the chaos of the night I did not have a cupcake. I didn't realize this until the day after brunch. I have to say, I almost cried.

Wedding Bouquet Alternative, the Decision, With a Little Complaining Thrown In

After the peacock feather fan non-decision I realized I was on a roll. I realized it wasn't the fan that my mother disliked, it was the the fact that it had feathers.

So I asked my cousin in the Philippines to pick up some beige fans for the bridesmaids, and I bought a pink one from Lands Faraway.

Here they are:



Truth be told, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have had the fans. Everyone would have just walked down the aisle carrying nothing. We hardly even used them! I left my fan on the altar and after the ceremony my mom took everything that was on the altar. My bridesmaid asked me if I wanted her to go get my mom so we could have the fans, and my response was "Why?" I didn't particularly want to have photos with them, and trying to get my mom would have been more trouble than it was worth.

What a silly tradition.

Apparently here is the origin:

The bridal bouquet had its earliest beginnings as a bunch of fragrant herbs who "job" it was to discourage evil spirits from getting close to the bride. It started not as a bouquet, but, with Greeks and Romans, as a garland of fresh herbs which the bride wore in her hair. In Victorian times, the flowers in a bride's bouquet carried messages, because each flower had its own special meaning.

Now, if you like flowers at your wedding and think they are pretty then I am not judging your decision, but after all the hassle, I should have really just said, why do I have to carry anything down the aisle?

Found on the Web: Free 60 Day Pass to BJ's Wholesale

If you are making more than 10 or 15 out of town bags, I highly recommend buying your supplies at a wholesale club. Dude and I made 44 bags and spent less than $200 at BJ's wholesale for all of it.

Right now, you can get a free 60 day pass to BJ's wholesale, provided you activate it by July.

For our out of town bags, we bought the following from BJ's:

• gift bags


• bottles of water


• granola bars


• mini assorted chocolates (Snickers, Milky Way, etc.)


• rice krispy treats

We added in a letter with a couple of maps for guests, and for out of town bridal party we included the weekend schedule. We also included cookies and cream polvoron, a dairy candy from the Philippines that my dad brought.

Wedding Hits and Misses: The Photographer

HIT:

I love love love my photographer, Mariano Delgado. He was so laid back and easygoing, and wasn't up in everyone's face. I hate photographers like that. I barely noticed him the whole evening, and yet he captured so many great moments.

I personally do not like artsy photos. Neither Dude nor I look particularly good in them, we always end up looking awkward and uncomfortable. We are more inclined to smiling and making faces.

I didn't give Mariano any direction or list of photos, though I did hand him a tentative schedule for the day just so we didn't fall behind. I said I just want the feeling of the day captured, and I wanted New York City. As in, I want proof decades from now that at one point in my life I was cool and lived in Manhattan.

Here are a few highlights.







MISS:

I really, really should have given Mariano a list of photos I wanted. I really wanted a photo of the groomsmen in a pyramid and me on top, but I completely forgot and I'm so bummed we didn't do it.

I also wish I had a second photographer for an hour in the beginning, because I have a ton of photos of myself and the ladies getting ready, but none of the guys.

On Weight Loss

I lost quite a bit of weight prior to the wedding, though I should really caveat this and say that I did not lose weight BECAUSE of the wedding. Rather, I lost weight and being skinnier at the wedding was a fringe benefit. I realized last summer that I had let myself go a little bit and cringed whenever I saw pictures of myself, and really, I am too young to be feeling that way. I'm also far too cheap to buy myself new clothes (smaller or bigger) so I had to do something.

I definitely don't advocate losing weight "for your wedding." Really, there is already so much stress on people who are getting married, that adding food depravity in there is just horrible. If you are going to lose weight, do it because you want to, and in a healthy manner, and not because you have to fit into a dress. Buy a dress that already fits you.

I did it, I don't know how much weight I lost because I don't trust scales, but my clothes are a lot looser and people at work definitely commented - considering they see me every day, that was big. So I decided to share how I did it.

Note: This post is about how I personally got myself on some kind of fitness/weight loss plan. I am not an expert and what works for me might not work for you.

I didn't really do a whole lot different. I didn't join Weight Watchers, I didn't go on Jenny Craig for a month like someone said I should ("Because it's easy!"), and I didn't crash diet. I didn't buy Lean Cuisines. I did try the one hundred push up challenge but I stopped after 3 weeks because I think I was doing them wrong and my shoulder hurt. I also didn't want to be on any kind of plan where I couldn't have something. I know myself, and if I can't have something I will want it more. I also don't think that depriving yourself of treats is particularly healthy, physically or emotionally.

The only thing that worked for me was keeping a food diary.

This was absolutely necessary for me, because prior to keeping the diary, I was already dancing 4-6 hours a week. That's a lot! And yet somehow I was still chubby. So I went online and surveyed a few sites and determined I needed to stick to about X calories per day. The weight loss was probably half a pound per week, which was very comfortable, I rarely felt hungry. A lot of sites say that 1 pound a week is good, but the caloric intake for that amount of weight loss was just too small for me.

Let me tell you, keeping a food diary is the most depressing thing. It forces you to be honest. Every little thing has to go in there, from "just a couple" of m&ms, to really estimating your meals (there is no way that serving of spaghetti is only 500 calories!), to the little bit of sugar I put in my coffee. It's tedious and it's a pain and some days it's so depressing when you're hungry at 6pm but you've already eaten your caloric maximum for the day. It also doesn't have to be complicated - just a small notebook would suffice. Or, in my case, Google Calendar, where I can see exactly the days I stuck to it and the days I cheated.

Oh yeah - plan for a cheat day every week. Keep yourself sane, you can't be perfect all the time! For me, I needed to have a weekend day to have brunch and maybe a cheeseburger for dinner and not feel bad about it.

I'd also like to say, that I kept this food diary for a good 3 months before I noticed any results. If some plans say you can see results in a few weeks, it's a lie - well, at least for me.

So there you have it. Simple, but not easy.

Yay Vermont!!!

Same sex marriage legalized in Vermont, more details here.

I think that, almost more than the news itself, I really love looking at photos of people crying in joy.

The winds of change are blowing!! Can you feel it?! And for those who are opposed, I certainly hope you are feeling behind.

Adventures in Name Changing, Part 2

The day after the wedding, my aunt came up to me and said, "Hi Mrs. DudesLastName!" To my surprise, it annoyed me. Not so much because she referred to me as my new last name, but because I have never seen this powerful, successful woman more happy as when her niece got married. What exactly does that say, that to be successful all one has to do is get married? But I digress...

When changing your name, there is this weird transition period that nobody has ever told me about, that I never see in the boards or comments about people changing their names. There is this weird month where you are neither your maiden name nor your new name.

Three days after the wedding, I had to fill out all this paperwork to get Dude on my insurance. Dude's insurance is good, but mine is way better and a lot cheaper. Simple, right?

Wrong!

First, there is a change in status form that needs to be filled out within 30 days of the change in status. It asks you for your current name and your new name, and asks if you want your status updated on all company forms. And then below it says "Your name must match your social security card."

Well, I haven't changed my social security card yet, and I can't because it takes up to 3 weeks to get the marriage certificate. Plus, if the social security office decides to keep the certificate, I would have to order more copies of the certificate, which could take up to another 3 weeks to get. What's the problem with that? There is no way I could change my name within the 30 day change in status period!

So after a bunch of back and forth emails with HR, I fill out the change in status form with my maiden name, just so Dude can be added to my insurance. We'll get a whole new set of cards and stuff. When I do change my name, I have to fill out the same form AGAIN and we'll get ANOTHER set of new cards, reflecting my new name.

Lesson: be prepared. This is a huge pain in the ass.

A Gripe About Budget Wedding Tips

I read this how to cut wedding costs guide today, a little late for me obviously, but I wanted to get a feel for where our wedding budget went. For the most part this article is pretty spot on with what we did, except I have beef with this part:

No matter how tight your budget, do not have a cash bar. A wine-only bar's thriftiness is just as obvious.

Do not have a cash bar? Agreed, absolutely. That second sentence about the thriftiness of a wine-only bar? Complete and total crap. The people who will notice the "thriftiness" of a wine-only bar are assholes. Yeah, I said it. They are guests at a wedding, to celebrate a couple's love, and that couple (and/or other members of their family) paid money to have them be there, and wine will get them just as drunk and happy as a full open bar. To those people: bring a flask and hold your tongue.

Share this story: Bay Area mom faces deportation

Yanked from Two Chicks Nest.

If she is deported, Tan will be separated from her partner Jay Mercado, who is a naturalized citizen. For straight couples, there wouldn't be a similar problem because a citizen can sponsor a spouse for residency. But under the federal Defense of Marriage Act, this right doesn't exist for an estimated 37,000 same-sex couples where one partner is a noncitizen.

Read more here.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "Gee, Another One Bites the Dust, you are already married and you're straight, why don't you just post the pretty pictures from your wedding and stay out of such things?"

Well, I am a woman of color, and a naturalized American citizen. I am deeply aware of the immigrant experience, of building a life in a new country that can be taken away from you. Despite whatever misguided notions there are in this country, not every immigrant is here illegally. I can't even imagine what this couple is going through, who have been together for 23 years with 12 year old twins. It was also not that long ago that the rights I have were granted to people like me.

And, most of all, this is a human issue. Straight or gay, colored or white. Nobody benefits from separating loving families.

Thank You Iowa!!!

Iowa Court says gay marriage ban is unconstitutional!

Adventures in Name Changing

So in case I left any of you hanging, I did end up deciding to change my name after all. I really, really didn't want to, but ultimately I decided that as much as I didn't want to, I wanted to have the same last name as my children more.

And so I chronicle for you the huge pains involved in taking a name you've had for nearly three decades and changing it all in the name of family.

Day 1: The Day I Decided

I decided to change my name on the morning that we were going to get our marriage license. For those of you who don't know me, I go by my middle name, I always have. My first name is ridiculously long, and so on my driver's license it only has Firstname Lastname.

We head to the city clerk's office where they proceed to give us our marriage license. When we get it, I notice my middle name is nowhere on the license. I ask, can we have it put on there, and the lady says since it's not on my driver's license she can't put it there, unless I have another piece of ID that has it (my passport, which I stupidly decided to leave at home).

Mini freak out. I had visions of being in the social security office and having them tell me I can't keep my middle name because it's not on the marriage certificate. And, uh, I go by my middle name!!!

After conferring with my maid of honor (a lawyer) and some other married folks who endured this trauma, I realize that it will likely not be a big deal when I go to the social security office. I would just have to bring my passport, and also my current social security card has my middle name on it.

Let that be a lesson to you: if you are changing your name, bring ID that has your full name on it, and save yourself the early morning headache.

Wedding Hits and Misses: The Dress

HIT:

I bought the dress very soon after getting engaged and I was happy about it. If I was going to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress I was never going to wear again, at least the proceeds should go to a good cause, and since they were going to New York City public schools, it's like I'm giving back to the community. I never actually posted a photo of the dress I bought for fear of Dude seeing, so here are the originals.





The top lace piece comes off, which was great for a costume change mid-reception.

MISS:

Because the dress had to be taken in from a 14 to about a 4 or 6, and because there were two pieces, one of which was a really intricate lace applique thing, the alterations cost as much as the dress. Luckily, Pinpoint Bridal in Manhattan did a great job. Not the best in communication, but the final result was amazing.

Here it is in action:

Wedding Hits and Misses: The Reception

HIT:

The venue, Branch, a club in midtown Manhattan. This place was the first decision we made last year, and I have no regrets about them. They were fair in negotiating the price, their staff was friendly and attentive, the food was good, and it was a funky and fun place.



I did not want to ask people to come to New York just to have a hotel wedding. The fact that Branch is a nightclub really got some raised eyebrows over the last year, but I think that it made people rowdier. It was just the right vibe for the evening. And the events coordinator and the site manager were fantastic. I didn't need a day of coordinator with vendors like these! They really took great care of us and our guests.

MISS:

Nothing! Really. The only thing I can think of is that it was a bit cramped (115 people), but that was only for about 30 minutes during the seated dinner. After that everyone was mingling and dancing so there was plenty of room.

Also it was 10 blocks and 2 avenues away from the chapel, so it was a cold walk. Or short cab ride.

Wedding Hits and Misses: The Ceremony

HITS:
(There are several.)

First, we asked one of our very best friends to officiate for us, and he was fantastic. We got to work with him on every part of the ceremony, including very nitpicky things that were really important to me. For instance, I do not like the phrase "You may now kiss the bride." I perceive it to be sexist, because I am kissing the groom just as much as he is kissing me. I also wanted no mention of God or Jesus - to us, marriage is a legal contract. We also wanted NOTHING about a woman being subordinate to man. I don't care if that violates rules of traditional etiquette or chivalry, it's sexist.

Second, the chapel. We got married at the Tillman Chapel at the Church Center for the United Nations, across the street from all the flags. It was the perfect size, we had about 110 guests and it fit everybody, but I don't think we could have fit 10 more people. It was very intimate, and very affordable. It is also an interfaith chapel, so the altar looks like this



Third, the guitarist. I hired Scott Samuels off of Gigmasters, and he was so great. Very accommodating, and the single acoustic guitar was perfect for such an intimate space.


MISS:

The staff at the chapel was less than reassuring. Now, I'm not the kind of person who needs a lot of coddling, but I never felt like everything with the chapel was squared away until the rehearsal. The staff is just slightly disorganized and are slow to respond to emails. There also wasn't an off hours contact person, which was a little unnerving because our wedding was on a Saturday. Dude and I went to visit the chapel during February, and it was locked, so I was worried - what if it was locked on our wedding day? The only answer I got was, "I don't know why it was locked, it should have been open." Not reassuring, right?

Also, since the UN wasn't in session, there were no flags flying. I was pretty sad about that, I wanted them for pictures.

That said, everything worked out, and the chapel was wonderful. The man who worked the front desk, Hector, was so sweet to us. In the end, everything went great.

Wedding Hits and Misses: Feelings and Details

HIT: The "Feel"

Dude and I are easygoing, funloving people who don't take ourselves too seriously or are particularly sentimental. So it was really important to us that there wasn't too much emotion during the day. We completely understand that people have different reactions to weddings, but we wanted it to be fun. All of it.

So we put in a lot of work to make it that way. We made sure the ceremony wasn't too sappy and stressed equality in the union above all else. The songs chosen were nontraditional and somewhat funny at times. We wanted to make sure that the day was filled with laughter, not tears, even if they are tears of joy.


MISS: The Details

Dude and I are not detailed oriented. I mean, we can be, with respect to our jobs and things like that. But when it came to wedding, details are just not something we cared about. So it was really, really stressful to both of us when people would ask us questions during the day. If we hadn't thought about it by then, we didn't care about it, or completely delegated it to someone else. So when my aunt came running up and said "Do you like these shoes or those shoes?" I said "Whatever you want." When the photographer said "Do you think we should go here for pictures?" I said "Whatever you want." Then he looked at me and said, "Do you have an invitation I can take a photo of?" I said, "Uh, no... sorry."

And on and on it went. At one point I really wanted to just scream "How many ways can I say 'Whatever you want' before you realize that that's exactly what I mean? I just. Don't. Care!" (I didn't.)



We are only a few days removed from the festivities, and I don't remember a lot of the details. However I remember the feeling that everyone was having a good time. I remember that the tables were empty and people were either mingling with each other or dancing like maniacs. And I remember that Dude and I had a great time, and professed our love for each other in the manner that is completely appropriate for us. And, that's all that really matters to us.

Wedding Hits and Misses!

I'm not going to do recaps, because that's not really my style, and also because I'm still trying to piece together things that happened. But what IS my style is the recurring theme! So here's the newest one... Wedding Hits and Misses!

HIT:
The first dance, "Rainbow Connection," Kermit the Frog version. There were certainly other contenders... God Only Knows by the Beach Boys (protested by Dude because of the inclusion of "God"), My Cherie Amour by Stevie Wonder, and the original one that I thought we could dance to, Eight Days a Week by the Beatles.

But really, the two of us just look so AWKWARD dancing together, mostly because Dude is so much taller than me, and the fact that he's feeling uncomfortable dancing certainly shows through the body language. So if you can't do it well, do it goofy!


MISS:
No music during the bridal party introductions. I had chosen "Let's Get it Started" by the Black Eyed Peas as the bridal party was introduced, and instead my MC announced them all with no music. I should have told him specifically what I wanted. Oh well.



Note: Misses aren't necessarily bad things, just things that I didn't think of or I wish I did, but I have absolutely no regrets about the day.

Sorry I've Been Missing, But...

Dude and I got married!


I'll fill in the details in the coming weeks, but first thing's first. The best advice I can give:

If you are doing a rice or birdseed toss, a little goes a long way. Each guest got about a tablespoon and a half's worth, and it HURT. And got stuck in my hair. Make sure your hair person or one of the bridesmaids has tweezers.