Adventures in Name Changing: 6 Weeks Later

It has been six weeks since I started the name change process and I thought I'd give an update.

For the most part, I am done. Work, license, banks, credit cards, insurance are all done. If New York City Marriage Bureau actually displayed some efficiency I would also have sent in my passport application by now, but four weeks after I've mailed in the application, the fees, and the photocopy of my identification, I still have not yet received copies of my marriage certificate, leading me to worry that somewhere out there is my completed application with all of our identifying information on it just for somebody to pick up and steal.

Surprisingly enough, the easiest ones to change have been my credit cards. No copies of the marriage certificate needed, just a phone call and some verification of my identity.

Also, because I don't believe in sugarcoating, I should also let you all know definitively that changing your name affects your career negatively. In the last 6 weeks I can't tell you how many people thought I left my company because they all of a sudden could not find me in the corporate directory.

Let me repeat that. People thought I left my company because I chose to change my name.

I made the decision to change my name - I'm an adult and I made that choice for the good of my family. And I'm sure eventually I'll come around and like it, but honestly, I don't right now, and frankly I can't see a time in the near future when I will. Not using my maiden name is still extremely upsetting and at this point I feel nothing but regret.

I apologize if this seems so completely negative, but I feel that it's really important to talk about it all honestly, that even some of us who do end up changing our names do so not as willingly as some and at great cost to our lives. I think about that morning when I told Dude I would change my name and how happy he was, and how I thought it was all worth it just to see him so happy. And when I feel blue about my decision I think about that day, and I do think that it was worth it, if only for Dude's sake. But I wonder, really, if he would have been so happy had he known back then what this was all really costing me.

But, you know, it's only six weeks in. What's six weeks versus a lifetime right? Here's hoping.

Adventures in Name Changing, Part 4: A Word on Miss Now Mrs

As you can probably tell, I'm not having the greatest experience in changing my name. My situation is unique enough that I shoulder some of the blame (or rather, my parents, who chose to name me something complicated and then refer to me by my middle name. At least that's better than other Filipinos who have names completely unrelated to their legal names, for example, Boy, Baby, there's one in every family. It's a Filipino thing. But I digress).

Some people have asked me why I didn't just use the Miss now Mrs. service. For thirty dollars, they will give you a very handy admin screen where you fill out your information once and they copy it to all the necessary forms and letters. You print it out, it gives you instructions, you do them. It's simple, and I'll admit that I was tempted to use it.

But here's the thing. For many of these, you still have to show up. You still have to go to social security. You still have to go to the DMV. When I did my banks they made me sign all this shit and there's no way I could have done that over the mail.

They claim:

We save each customer an average of 13 hours of form research, completion and filing mishaps!

I'm not sure I believe this. Like I said above there are things you just have to go to, you can't just mail it in. This service would not have spared me the 3 hours total it took to go to the DMV (three times) and wait in line, take the photo, and pay. In many ways showing up to the actual office will save you time, they know exactly what forms you need and you just go and fill it out. But then again, I'm fortunate that my job has half day Fridays during the summer when I can go and do this. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I had a different job.

So my take on this service is that if you don't mind spending the thirty dollars, it's convenient, and it makes a good thoughtful gift to a newlywed. Provided you KNOW she's changing her last name. If I made the decision to keep my name and gotten this as a gift I would not have been happy.

Adventures in Name Changing, Part 3

Today I went to the DMV to try to get my last name changed on my license, my second attempt. My first attempt was last week when I came on a Friday (yay summer half day Fridays!) and the line was 4 hours long, according to the information desk. Today, it was half that, 2 hours long. I considered going into the line and then sense kicked in. I have a job. I can't just take off 2 hours.

The lady in front of me was doing the same thing. We got to chatting while waiting for the information desk. She went straight into the line. When she saw me leaving she waved and said, "You're not staying?" I said, "I can't do two hours, I'll try earlier tomorrow morning."

A few things to note.

I made the decision to change my name. I'm not happy about it, just like I wasn't happy when my original plan of 30 people wedding in a restaurant ballooned into 115 people. However, I am an adult, and I made this decision for the good of my family. This does NOT mean that I'm happy or excited about it. (Yep, if you were looking for ponies and unicorns, you'd better move on to another blog.)

I thought about the lady in front of me in line, and I envied her. And I envied all the other women in the world who were excited about changing their name. My name is part of my identity and I'm having a lot of trouble letting go of it.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a believer in gender roles. Aside from the obvious biological tasks that must be done by males and females, I don't believe in general social gender statements of "this is what men/women are like so deal with it." And then I thought about all the other things that women are expected to do, things I know my friends and family have done, just because that's what women do. Even the task of planning the wedding by default falls into the woman's hands (not speaking for same-sex couples, obviously).

Just think for a moment. How many times have you said, "I'm going to leave work for a half an hour to check out my venue/make a few vendor calls/look at a florist"? And now, think about how many times your man has said that. If he does half of it and you do the other half, then you are a lucky lucky woman. For me, it was about 10 percent him, and that was with some nagging because I was overwhelmed. By far I don't see the men in my office leave work for any little errand, because they have their WIVES to do it.

Women complain that we do too much, we get paid unequal amounts for the same amount of work. And it sucks and I don't disagree with that. But maybe, just maybe, we are in a hell of our own making. Because these little things, these random errands? They add up. People notice when you're not in the office, more than you might think. And I don't even want to talk about the impact to my career when it comes time for babies.

As for my personal name changing adventure, I'm going to try one more time, even earlier in the morning sometime this week. And if I can't get that done in the half hour to one hour slot I've assigned it then I'm going to take my hard-earned half day summer Friday and fucking wait.

Adventures in Name Changing, Part 2

The day after the wedding, my aunt came up to me and said, "Hi Mrs. DudesLastName!" To my surprise, it annoyed me. Not so much because she referred to me as my new last name, but because I have never seen this powerful, successful woman more happy as when her niece got married. What exactly does that say, that to be successful all one has to do is get married? But I digress...

When changing your name, there is this weird transition period that nobody has ever told me about, that I never see in the boards or comments about people changing their names. There is this weird month where you are neither your maiden name nor your new name.

Three days after the wedding, I had to fill out all this paperwork to get Dude on my insurance. Dude's insurance is good, but mine is way better and a lot cheaper. Simple, right?

Wrong!

First, there is a change in status form that needs to be filled out within 30 days of the change in status. It asks you for your current name and your new name, and asks if you want your status updated on all company forms. And then below it says "Your name must match your social security card."

Well, I haven't changed my social security card yet, and I can't because it takes up to 3 weeks to get the marriage certificate. Plus, if the social security office decides to keep the certificate, I would have to order more copies of the certificate, which could take up to another 3 weeks to get. What's the problem with that? There is no way I could change my name within the 30 day change in status period!

So after a bunch of back and forth emails with HR, I fill out the change in status form with my maiden name, just so Dude can be added to my insurance. We'll get a whole new set of cards and stuff. When I do change my name, I have to fill out the same form AGAIN and we'll get ANOTHER set of new cards, reflecting my new name.

Lesson: be prepared. This is a huge pain in the ass.

Adventures in Name Changing

So in case I left any of you hanging, I did end up deciding to change my name after all. I really, really didn't want to, but ultimately I decided that as much as I didn't want to, I wanted to have the same last name as my children more.

And so I chronicle for you the huge pains involved in taking a name you've had for nearly three decades and changing it all in the name of family.

Day 1: The Day I Decided

I decided to change my name on the morning that we were going to get our marriage license. For those of you who don't know me, I go by my middle name, I always have. My first name is ridiculously long, and so on my driver's license it only has Firstname Lastname.

We head to the city clerk's office where they proceed to give us our marriage license. When we get it, I notice my middle name is nowhere on the license. I ask, can we have it put on there, and the lady says since it's not on my driver's license she can't put it there, unless I have another piece of ID that has it (my passport, which I stupidly decided to leave at home).

Mini freak out. I had visions of being in the social security office and having them tell me I can't keep my middle name because it's not on the marriage certificate. And, uh, I go by my middle name!!!

After conferring with my maid of honor (a lawyer) and some other married folks who endured this trauma, I realize that it will likely not be a big deal when I go to the social security office. I would just have to bring my passport, and also my current social security card has my middle name on it.

Let that be a lesson to you: if you are changing your name, bring ID that has your full name on it, and save yourself the early morning headache.