MJ

I am not one to be greatly affected by celebrity deaths. It's sad when a public persona dies, but I don't know them personally and so my reaction is usually to shrug and move on.

But last night, as I heard the news of Michael Jackson's death, I found myself strangely full of conflicting emotions.

Michael Jackson is the reason I started dancing and singing. My parents were very strict when I was growing up, and so my brother and I spent many hours by ourselves, and many of those hours were spent listening to and watching Michael Jackson. We had nightmares over Thriller. We used to sing and dance to Bad and Smooth Criminal in our basement.

In fact, I think one of my very first gender equality arguments was about MJ.

Me: I want to be Michael Jackson!
My brother: You can't be Michael Jackson, you're a girl!
Me: Girls can do that too!

I don't know what evils he may have done when he was alive. Maybe he was a pedophile, I don't know, and if he was then I hope he's paying for it now. But I can't brush aside the fact that so much of my personality was influenced by Michael Jackson.

In tribute, last night I sang myself hoarse to his songs, and danced around the living room while Dude played video games.

Adventures in Name Changing, Part 4: A Word on Miss Now Mrs

As you can probably tell, I'm not having the greatest experience in changing my name. My situation is unique enough that I shoulder some of the blame (or rather, my parents, who chose to name me something complicated and then refer to me by my middle name. At least that's better than other Filipinos who have names completely unrelated to their legal names, for example, Boy, Baby, there's one in every family. It's a Filipino thing. But I digress).

Some people have asked me why I didn't just use the Miss now Mrs. service. For thirty dollars, they will give you a very handy admin screen where you fill out your information once and they copy it to all the necessary forms and letters. You print it out, it gives you instructions, you do them. It's simple, and I'll admit that I was tempted to use it.

But here's the thing. For many of these, you still have to show up. You still have to go to social security. You still have to go to the DMV. When I did my banks they made me sign all this shit and there's no way I could have done that over the mail.

They claim:

We save each customer an average of 13 hours of form research, completion and filing mishaps!

I'm not sure I believe this. Like I said above there are things you just have to go to, you can't just mail it in. This service would not have spared me the 3 hours total it took to go to the DMV (three times) and wait in line, take the photo, and pay. In many ways showing up to the actual office will save you time, they know exactly what forms you need and you just go and fill it out. But then again, I'm fortunate that my job has half day Fridays during the summer when I can go and do this. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I had a different job.

So my take on this service is that if you don't mind spending the thirty dollars, it's convenient, and it makes a good thoughtful gift to a newlywed. Provided you KNOW she's changing her last name. If I made the decision to keep my name and gotten this as a gift I would not have been happy.

Life After Wedding: Officially Graduated

With the honeymoon over and the dust finally settled I have officially graduated from wedding planning. I don't think I'm done with Hits and Misses, I may still sprinkle some in from time to time as recollections come back to me, but while they are fresh in my mind I'd like to share my lessons learned. Feel free to disregard because if you're anything like me, you dislike unsolicited advice.


Lesson 1: Your wedding is not about you. (Well, maybe it's 20% about you.)

No really, it's not. Everyone says it is and they make a big deal out of it, but when what you want is something that deviates from the norm, people WILL GIVE YOU A HARD TIME ABOUT IT. They may actually voice their opinion, or they may, like most courteous people, simply shut their mouths and keep their judgements to themselves. But rest assured, those judgements are there. Everyone thinks they have a say about what you want and what is best for you. I suspect this only gets worse once the babies come, but it starts at wedding planning.

I am headstrong and stubborn and definitely prefer the make-my-own-mistakes school of learning, so this was one of my peeves from the beginning and why I didn't really want a wedding. But as the decisions were made and the date got closer I came to the realization that weddings are mostly a time of togetherness. For family and friends who might not see each other that often, to get together and celebrate the union of two families. It is also a time for other couples to remember their own vows and the happy times in their lives.

Yes, you are the center of attention, the gifts are all for you, the photos are all of you... but really it's about more than just you. And because of that, compromises must be made.


Lesson 2: Contrary to what the wedding industry and the blog universe tells you, your wedding does NOT have to be personal.

Your wedding is not any less legitimate whether you DIY everything and spend $1000 any more than it is when you splurge on everything and spend $50,000. None of that makes a difference. The only measurement of a successful wedding is that the couple is actually married at the end of the day. Keeping it personal is a nice touch, but not necessary, so don't stress yourself out over that.

Of course, keep in mind that I spent very much time making my wedding personal. And you know what, it drove me crazy! If I could do it over again, I would have ordered the programs instead of making them myself, and maybe asked one of my bridesmaids to make the wedding slideshow.


Lesson 3: Find a happy place.

Like I said above, if what you want is not what other people think you should want, they will tell you. Everyone complains about something. The colors, the transportation (or in our case, the lack of), the weather, the room temperature, etc. Find a happy place. Go there often. Mine is Paradise Island in the Philippines. I mentally visited that beach two, three times a week. After you've visited your happy place, you will be in a much better condition to either acquiesce to the requests of your family and friends or put your foot down and fight for what you want no matter what it takes.

Lesson 4: Do not ever use the word "perfect."

Seriously, ban it from your vocabulary, and if anybody tries to use it to pressure you into doing something, ignore it with all your might. Newsflash: Your wedding is not going to be perfect. It may be the most fun time you've had, the best day of your life, but it won't be perfect. Something's going to go wrong. The photographer forgets a shot, the DJ plays a song you don't like, your mother takes away the cupcakes before you've had a chance to have one...

I had fun at my wedding. I barely spent any time with my husband, I was busy dancing, but I had fun. All of my loved ones were there. I married the best man I've ever met. But you can totally bet that I farted during the ceremony. Far from perfect.


Lesson 5: Don't forget your future spouse.

Fight these battles together. Complain to each other. Deal with your families together. The word of the lesson is: together. It's so much easier when there's two.

Life After Wedding: The Baby Questions

Disclaimer: Before anybody assumes anything, we are NOT expecting, we are NOT trying, and I am NOT implying anything by posting an entry about babies.

Everyone has said quite accurately that as soon as you get engaged the most asked question is, "Have you set a date?" and that as soon as you get married that turns into, "When are you having babies?"

IT'S TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY TRUE.

Interestingly enough, it hasn't bothered me the same way that the wedding questions did. It's actually surprising to me how much it hasn't bothered me. I think that may be because I viewed my wedding as a party forced upon me by a patriarchal institution, and having babies is my biological privilege as a woman. There is a difference, in my mind, between what is given to me by nature and what is forced upon me by society. (Side note: what I DO mind is the implication that you must be married in order to have babies. Or that you can't be married without the desire to have babies. That's just silly.)

Anyway, as I said in my disclaimer, babies are not in our immediate future, but there have been a plethora of new babies in my life from various friends and coworkers. And so from time to time my friends and coworkers will post sites that I will peruse at my leisure. I came across this site, Let's Panic About Babies!, which is hilarious. I found myself wandering into the What Kind of New Mother Stereotype Are You quiz, and I think that eventually, this will be me:

Reluctant mom

Motto: That baby's here somewhere.
Characteristics: Calls baby "Dude"; doesn’t want to nurse, because hasn't she done enough?
Can be found: Performing Google searches for "mother who doesn’t lose identity just because of some kid."
Warning signs that this might be you: What's your baby's name? Quick! No looking at the birth certificate!

Hilario. Though admittedly, for only a select group of people with like-minded senses of humor.

Life After Wedding: Etiquette and My Biggest Annoyance to Date...

...being called Mrs. DudesFirstName DudesLastName.

I HAVE MY OWN FIRST NAME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I took his last name only.

A lot of people say that Ms. Manners would allow others to address me in the manner which I do not prefer, however etiquette has been and always will be about respect. I concede that up until very recently Mrs. DudesFirstName DudesLastName was an acceptable method of addressing the wife, but times have changed and there's nothing more disrespectful, in my opinion, than to do away with the wife's first name. And yes, I totally know that Mrs. means "wife of" and that technically the above is correct, but I have never and will never like Mrs., and showing respect means honoring the salutation that people prefer.

Men don't have to declare their marital status using their Mister honorific, why should women?

My preference is Ms. MyFirstName MyLastName, and of course, as of a couple of weeks ago, MyLastName = DudesLastName.


By the way, one of my friends who got married last month got her DJ to announce them as Mr. HisFirstName HisLastName and Ms. HerFirstName HisLastName. A lot of the relatives were confused, but you can bet that my peers and I smiled with glee.

Found on the Web: 50% Off One Item Promo Code at Jo Ann

Promo code TTF170A will get you 50% off one regularly priced item.

I would get this maybe? Though now, I have no more use for it. It would be 50% off the regular price so it's not THAT much off the sale price, but still.

Adventures in Name Changing, Part 3

Today I went to the DMV to try to get my last name changed on my license, my second attempt. My first attempt was last week when I came on a Friday (yay summer half day Fridays!) and the line was 4 hours long, according to the information desk. Today, it was half that, 2 hours long. I considered going into the line and then sense kicked in. I have a job. I can't just take off 2 hours.

The lady in front of me was doing the same thing. We got to chatting while waiting for the information desk. She went straight into the line. When she saw me leaving she waved and said, "You're not staying?" I said, "I can't do two hours, I'll try earlier tomorrow morning."

A few things to note.

I made the decision to change my name. I'm not happy about it, just like I wasn't happy when my original plan of 30 people wedding in a restaurant ballooned into 115 people. However, I am an adult, and I made this decision for the good of my family. This does NOT mean that I'm happy or excited about it. (Yep, if you were looking for ponies and unicorns, you'd better move on to another blog.)

I thought about the lady in front of me in line, and I envied her. And I envied all the other women in the world who were excited about changing their name. My name is part of my identity and I'm having a lot of trouble letting go of it.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a believer in gender roles. Aside from the obvious biological tasks that must be done by males and females, I don't believe in general social gender statements of "this is what men/women are like so deal with it." And then I thought about all the other things that women are expected to do, things I know my friends and family have done, just because that's what women do. Even the task of planning the wedding by default falls into the woman's hands (not speaking for same-sex couples, obviously).

Just think for a moment. How many times have you said, "I'm going to leave work for a half an hour to check out my venue/make a few vendor calls/look at a florist"? And now, think about how many times your man has said that. If he does half of it and you do the other half, then you are a lucky lucky woman. For me, it was about 10 percent him, and that was with some nagging because I was overwhelmed. By far I don't see the men in my office leave work for any little errand, because they have their WIVES to do it.

Women complain that we do too much, we get paid unequal amounts for the same amount of work. And it sucks and I don't disagree with that. But maybe, just maybe, we are in a hell of our own making. Because these little things, these random errands? They add up. People notice when you're not in the office, more than you might think. And I don't even want to talk about the impact to my career when it comes time for babies.

As for my personal name changing adventure, I'm going to try one more time, even earlier in the morning sometime this week. And if I can't get that done in the half hour to one hour slot I've assigned it then I'm going to take my hard-earned half day summer Friday and fucking wait.

Back from the Hiatus

We finally went on our honeymoon and are (sadly) back to reality. It was a fantastic and crazy hectic trip, and we don't regret a minute of it.

It was Dude's first trip out of the hemisphere, and he was splendid. I had my doubts, like when he wanted to go to dinner in shorts while we were in Italy and I had to tell him that Europeans don't really wear shorts. (To be perfectly fair, it was 90 degrees, the hottest May Italy has seen in 50 years, and he doesn't really have the option of wearing a skirt like yours truly.) I had to remind him a couple of times that when bumping into people to say "Mi scusi" or "Oprostite" (Italian and Croatian, respectively) instead of "Sorry." (Side note, that is my BIGGEST pet peeve about American tourists is that so many use basic phrases in English. There are only a few phrases everyone should know in the language of the country he or she is visiting - hello, sorry, thank you, good bye, and do you speak English. If saying any of those things, you should really say them in the language of the country you are in. You would expect foreign tourists to speak to you in English when you are in America and that courtesy should be extended. End side note.)

But Dude quickly caught on and was great company, and going on our whirlwind trip really gave us some great bonding moments and moments of insight into each other that we hadn't seen before, despite over six years together. We were out of our comfort zone for the entire trip, and while we had some stressful moments, we pulled through together. And Dude, the eternal optimist, came up with the catch phrase that saw us through, and will probably be used for quite some time during our marriage - "Great us."

Me: Shitty weather!
Dude: Great us!

Me: Stupid traffic!
Dude: Great us!

Great us, indeed.