Lessons About Marriage From Happy Couples, Part 1

As I near my wedding date I'm trying to ready myself for married life. I think this is a huge part of wedding planning, and one that I am happy to spend a lot of time doing instead of my usual complaining.

I live with Dude, and we've been dating for over five years, so in many ways I already consider myself married, and that our wedding will be just a formality. However, I have never been married, so I don't know what to expect, and there's a part of me that knows that nothing can really prepare me for it. But being the analytical person I am, I am trying to gather data and piece together anecdotes of married life, little moments that I've actually experienced and stories my family and friends have told me. Things to expect after our wedding. This is my sad attempt at making this a series.

Part 1 - It's the Little Things*

My mother would be mortified if she knew I were sharing this, but every night after she has cleaned up and before she goes to bed, she puts on perfume. When I was very young, I asked her why she did this, and she replied, "Because I'm married."

Now, I was probably 8 or 9 when this happened, so I just accepted her answer, not really knowing exactly what "being married" actually meant.

It has only been recently that I realized that she did it because she was sharing her bed and she wanted to smell nice. It was something she did that eventually became habit, just a little something to make bedtime a little more special. And as I was growing up I remember coming into my parents' bed in the morning, and my mom always smelled of her perfume. Every time I smell that perfume I am reminded of those mornings, and I'm completely sure my dad feels the same way too.



*I have a feeling that "It's the Little Things" will end up being the lesson for most of these

Brides are Crazy, AKA Why I Should Really Really Stop Reading Wedding Blogs

Yesterday the brides of the internet were in a tizzy because someone on Weddingbee decided to post a potentially weekly feature called "Queer Wedding Wednesdays."

Link here.

Now, in case you don't know me and it hasn't been made clear, I fully support gay marriage. I would actually go so far as to say that's my number one political issue. I've been on the record, in my younger years, proclaiming I wouldn't want to get married until everyone were legally able to, but unlucky for my idealism I met Dude.

The Weddingbee post didn't really make me think twice, except that by the time I saw it, there were already 50+ comments on it, and an hour later there were 70, so I had to read. And boy was I in for a treat. Hilario.

Aside from the obvious intial don't-you-dare-suggest-censorship reaction I had, I couldn't believe how these ladies were all, stop writing about being gay, where are all the DIY posts, put your politics elsewhere. I could almost hear their thoughts as they wonder "But, but... princesses can't marry other princesses... can they?!" or "Every wedding should have at least one person wearing a dress, why are they both wearing suits?" Dear Lord how those panties must have been all twisted at reading the post.

And that's part of the reason why I hate weddings so much. I grew up with homosexual aunts and uncles, it's completely accepted in my family and I grew up thinking that's the norm everywhere. I feel like the wedding world is full of Princess Grace wannabes, and if you don't fit that image, then you are outcast and shunned. And I've never wanted to be a princess, even when I was a little girl and my mom dressed me in all lace clothes. I ruined them and trampled them and covered them in dirt. Perhaps I was always supposed to be the jester.

And now I leave you, dear internets, with one of my favorite quotes, from none other than Mr. Chris Rock:

People always say that we can't have gay marriage because marriage is a sacred institution, that happens in the church. It's sacred... no it's not! Marriage ain't sacred! Not in America! Not in the country that watches "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" or "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" or "Who Wants to Marry a Midget?" Get the fuck outta here! Gay people have as much of a right to be miserable as everybody else!

Another Gag and Complaining Moment

It bugs me how so many wedding articles and blog posts* claim to "swoon" over things. I swoon over these dresses, I swoon over these flowers, swooning... over invitations and centerpieces? I'm sorry, but technically, swooning occurs when there's not enough blood flow to your head. The term came into popularity because women wore corsets too tightly. It's not only that it's not literal (I don't actually have an issue with not being literal), but it's so cutesy and weak. It's almost the same peeve I have with "listen to your heart"... um, the heart is an organ**.

Drool, I could probably deal with. While still being figurative you could actually drool over something you coveted enough.

But swoon? Lest your coveting has gotten to the point where you actually forget to breathe, or you subconsciously are able to restrict your lungs and diaphragm, or perhaps you just forgot to eat or drink anything that day... I don't think so.

I get really annoyed at what I can't really describe any better than language inflation.  "Good" is no longer good enough, it has to be "fabulous" (another word I hate) or "great" or "perfect".  I can't say something is "okay" without offending someone.  Sometimes, things really and truly are just okay, and there is nothing wrong or bad about okay.  It can't all be perfect and fabulous.

End rant.

*So... this is not really just wedding related.  Generally I hate the usage of swoon when it's not literal.
**I totally understand that "listen to your heart" actually means follow your conscience, your gut, your feelings... but I've always preferred the rational over the emotional.  I'm a head over heart kind of girl.

I Don't Do Diets

According to the Knot, now is the time for me to start "taking better care of myself" such as getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, and getting healthy for my big day. I know this really means go on a diet. I'm generally happy with myself but I'll admit I'd like to lose a few pounds before the wedding. But I don't do diets. I hate restricting the things I eat, and I'd go so far as to say the reason I try to stay in good health is because I don't want to come down with a condition that will prohibit certain foods (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes.... all of which run in my family). The easiest way to drive me crazy is to tell me I can't have something.

So in preparation, I've upped my dance classes and gym time and generally eat healthier. Substitute chicken or fish instead of red meat, don't keep cookies in the house, fewer alcoholic drinks when out and about.

I'm also doing the hundred pushups challenge:


Though I have to say, I am slacking a bit. I hate push ups more than anything (well maybe I hate sit ups more) but I'm starting to feel a difference.

Some Updates

It is really, really hard to think about planning a wedding in these times. I'm not one to really care too much anyway, but especially now, especially in New York, especially when so many of my friends work in banking. It seems so wasteful to think about all this energy and money going towards a single day of my life. And then I think that because this only happens once, that it should be good, because when all these things are going so very badly then we need to find joy wherever it can be had.

I kind of lazed around all summer because "I still have so much time!" and then I woke up one morning and realized it was September. That not only is it September but it's mid-September, and that it's no longer ludicrous to have Halloween candy in the grocery stores.

The invitations are slowly coming. I am unhappy with the paper cutter I ordered, but I'm not going to get another one. I underestimated the thickness of one of the papers I was going to use, but I can live with it. The color of the enclosures is a little too yellow. All small things.

And we have a tentative itinerary for Japan, which is

Tokyo - fly to...
Okinawa - fly to...
Osaka - train to...
Kyoto - train to...
somewhere else? - train to...
Tokyo - fly home.

Seven Years Ago, A Perfect Fall Day, Ruined

I was a junior in college. I was getting ready for a 9:30 class and my mom called me in a panic. After I reassured her that I was nowhere near, I found my friends, because nothing is worse than being scared all by yourself. The cell phones weren't working. We went to the penthouse floor of one of the dorms and watched all the smoke and held each other's hands and tried not to freak out about the people we knew who would be in that area that morning. We watched the towers fall. Despite the nice autumn weather we slept with windows closed for fear of asbestos in the air.

In the aftermath, we saw the best and worst of people. Concerned people hugged each other in the subway and looked out for each other. Narrow minded people hurled insults at anyone resembling anyone from the Middle East, regardless of which country they actually hailed from. Fear turned to anger, and from then on we've always been at war, with other nations, with each other.

There are certain things that divide the New Yorkers who lived here before that day and those who came after. They are small things. For me, the biggest thing is getting out of the subway and knowing exactly which way was south by looking up. It's also the shared story. The feeling that lingered in the city that you can't describe to anyone who wasn't here.

As everyone chugs along their wedding plans, please take a moment this fall and look at the big picture. Remember that the freedoms you have today were not always there, and people were imprisoned and shunned and persecuted to fight for them. Remember that to be a good citizen one must be aware and informed, because when we are lazy and rely on others to tell us what is right and wrong, bad things happen. Remember that not 80 years ago, women couldn't vote. Not 40 years ago, many states banned interracial marriage. Laws can and will change and awareness is what's going to make them change for the better.

Remember that in the grand scheme of things, your wedding is not really that important, and what's important are the people who love and care for you, and that you can live your life the way you choose.

Disappointment on the Honeymoon Front

After lots of research on the internet and a lengthy chat with the travel agents here at work, we have decided to focus our entire honeymoon on Japan. The tickets to do any combination of Japan and Tahiti cost 4K per person, so we clearly had to choose one or the other. So Japan for honeymoon, and I managed to convince Dude to do Tahiti for first anniversary.

A bit sad. Dangit, all I want is an overwater bungalow!!!

Trial Day, or Going into the Subway with an Updo and Lots of Makeup Will Get You Funny Looks

Today was my hair and makeup trial with a lovely Japanese lady and so I trekked over to the outer boroughs for an afternoon of primping. Now, I don't like getting my hair done and I wear very little makeup (eyeliner and chapstick are more than enough), so I wasn't incredibly excited about this particular task. But the Knot says it's time for a trial and so to a trial I went.

I'm kind of a failure when it comes to these things. Remember the few posts where I showed some hair inspirations? Yeah, I forgot to print them out. I was running late already and had to find one of the few bridal magazines I had left (I threw them all out in a breakdown a few weeks ago) and I ripped out three styles that were okay and then I ran out the door. As my stylist and I start talking I tell her that I have severe allergies and I've had allergic reactions to makeup. As she applies makeup I start asking her questions and telling her things that raise her eyebrows, probably because I really think I should have known some of this as a member of the female population. Questions like, how does one remove fake eyelashes? Are you sure my eyelashes won't come out along with the fake ones? Is that just a little too much foundation? And no, I don't own any eye makeup remover.

And, bless her heart, my stylist answered everything without showing in her face (much) that I should really know better.

So, the makeup was good, the fake eyelashes came off, and here are the three styles we tried on today.



The Curl:



The Jessica Alba:



The Hayden Panettiere:


And 9 hours later, my makeup was still on and my hair was still curly, despite the humidity of today and the general grossness of the subways.


I love my stylist!!!

Itching to DIY

Ordered for Invitations/Programs:
- envelopes (received)
- linen paper
- cardstock
- paper cutter

Designs for invites and thank you cards are done and I can't tell you how much I don't ever want to look at fonts again. Though I know I'll need to again when I start with the programs. Dude and I have been arguing over font color, font size, and wording for what seems like months now.

Other works in progress: veil and hairpiece.